Punch Lines

In The News: Former South African President F.W. de Klerk has retired from politics. “He’ll be remembered in history as the guy in the pictures next to Nelson Mandela.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Ex-Agriculture Secretary Mike Espy has been indicted for accepting gifts while in office. Says Alan Ray, “He knows what lies ahead. He could face up to five years as head of the Democratic National Committee.”

The Air Force wants to increase pay and give more time off to avoid a pilot shortage. “Gee, maybe they wouldn’t have a shortage if they didn’t keep kicking the best ones out for having sex.” (Daily Scoop)

Scientists predict that El Nin~o will cause floods in China, Indonesia and Singapore. Says Argus Hamilton, “That’s bad news for both political parties. Soon the money won’t just be soft--it’ll be soggy.”

It was discovered that Vice President Al Gore made more than 75 phone calls to donors from the White House during the ’96 campaign. “Reporters confirmed this through a secret meeting with a source named Deep Pockets.” (Brian J. Hill)

Self magazine named Los Angeles the most fit city in the U.S. “Of course with a name like Self, Los Angeles is the only place they sell the magazine.” (Jerry Perisho)

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Weird Facts: “A survey in USA Today reveals that 64% of people would tell someone if they had food stuck in their teeth. Seventy-four percent said the survey people at USA Today have way, way too much time on their hands.” (Alex Kaseberg)

More on those two British pilots who let a 5-year-old girl handle the controls in flight: “Apparently, passengers on board the plane became suspicious when a voice kept coming on the intercom asking, ‘Are we there yet?’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

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In Show Biz: Steven Seagal has launched a music career. “The music industry hasn’t been this shaken since Don Ho released ‘Tiny Bubbles.’ ” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

* Seagal began his concert tour this week. “Some habits die hard, though. During the second set, he sliced his bass player in two with a guitar pick.” (Daily Scoop)

* “His singing debut worked out so well, he’ll soon make his acting debut.” (Camille Brewster)

“L.A.’s KTZN ‘The Zone’ radio stunned listeners by switching from an all-talk format to Disney programming for kids,” says Bob Mills. “One confused listener called Dr. Toni Grant and after a half-hour realized she was talking to Snow White.”

Reader Eileen Sorensen of San Jacinto was with her grandchildren on their first fishing trip at a local lake. After not even getting a nibble, 7-year-old Lacee was overheard muttering to herself as she walked along the shore:

“And what do I think of fishing? First time . . . last time.”