Punch Lines

It’s Our Country: “July 4th celebrates the 221st birthday of the Declaration of Independence,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “It is one of our country’s three sacred documents along with the Constitution and the Publishers Clearinghouse entry form.”

“A federal judge struck down the military’s policy toward homosexuality of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ ” says Jenny Church. “How about a policy that is neither intrusive nor judgmental--’don’t know, don’t care.’ ”

“The U.S. will tighten its rules for sponsoring immigrants,” says the Daily Scoop. “From now on, any immigrant you want to sponsor must have a fastball in the 90s.”

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Hollywood Moments: “A special Technicolor dye-transfer print of the latest Batman movie was screened at Mann’s Chinese theater. I wonder if it is too late to add some sort of a story line.” (Mark Wheeler)

“The National Federation for the Blind is protesting Disney’s plans to revive the Mr. Magoo cartoon as a movie,” says the Daily Scoop. “What about Hercules? Why isn’t anybody protesting Disney making a hero out of a guy who killed his family?”

Jack Nicholson is suing an art dealer claiming he was sold counterfeit paintings. “Nicholson told reporters, ‘In the real “Dogs Playing Poker,” the poodle has a flush.’ ” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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Sports Scene: Michael Jordan became a free agent and it’s said he wants a three-year deal for $100 million. To put that in perspective, Mike Tyson would have to bite six ears to make that kind of money.” (Argus Hamilton)

“Mike Tyson has been advised to appear at the Nevada Boxing Commission hearing next week without his handlers,” says the Daily Scoop, “and also to have lunch first.”

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Auto World: Mercedes-Benz introduces the ML-320, its first four-wheel drive utility vehicle. “It’s designed for daring off-road adventures such as unattended parking lots at two-star restaurants,” says Bob Mills.

* “It’s so rugged, a film executive from Brentwood bought one for his first safari to the San Fernando Valley.” (Mills)

* “Options include a Bose acoustic system and designer wheel-well mud from the Yucatan.” (Mills)

“A new all-aluminum car will be sold in the U.S. beginning next year. The car gets 50 miles to the gallon and you can bake potatoes in it.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Reader Leonard Wise was walking with his neighbor’s son Nicholas, 4. The child had been warned by his parents to stay on the sidewalk, not walk on the lawns and never go into the street. As they approached a woman washing down her sidewalk, Nicholas stopped abruptly and said:

“We got trouble.”