Punch Lines

How You Know It Is the Late 20th Century: A Connecticut man was arrested in Brazil for trying to smuggle out a 4.6-billion-year-old meteorite, the oldest known rock on Earth. “There’s only one sure way to smuggle a rock out of South America without being challenged by authorities. Bury it in your pile of cocaine.” (Jerry Perisho)

“From now on, boxing will be called biting. Pro hockey will be named boxing.” (Yoshio Nakamaru)

“Doctors are warning patients they should not rely on medical information they receive on the Internet,” says Perisho. “But it will be quite reliable once doctors figure out how to bill patients for it.”

The Los Angeles City Council moves to ban aggressive begging. “The impact would be felt in many areas,” says Alan Ray. “Such an ordinance could eliminate local public television.”

A supertanker dumped 390,000 gallons of oil in Tokyo Bay, says Ray. “Japanese tourism officials are trying to put a positive spin on the incident. Sushi will now go down a lot smoother.”

“A man robbed a bank in Fort Meyers, Fla., wearing a beach ball on his head as a disguise. Police described the robber as armed and colorful.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

*

Food News: “In England, McDonald’s has announced it again will be using British beef in its new sandwich, the Big Mad.” (Michael Feldman)

Government research found that 25% of the food produced in America is wasted, says Gary Easley. “The solution: more teenagers.”

Convicted and imprisoned Mafia chief John Gotti’s daughter signed a book deal with Random House to publish her family’s cookbook. “All of the recipes end with the same instruction,” says Argus Hamilton: “Season to bad taste.”

*

Weird Facts: “The post office set a record this last quarter with 94% of mail arriving on time,” says Stan Kaplan. “Defying all odds, the Internal Revenue Service successfully sent its refunds in the other 6%.”

An ice cream maker in Bar Harbour, Maine, is coming out with a new lobster-flavored ice cream, says Premiere. “It appears their Butter Tuna Crunch wasn’t a big seller.”

“It’s Be Nice to New Jersey Week,” says Cutler Online Prep. “We guess that means we’re not supposed to mention that it smells.”

Reader Wendy Alderson-Soda of Rancho Mirage met her Little Sister through the Big Sisters organization when Sorcha was 5. Both were nervous, so to break the ice, Alderson-Soda asked Sorcha when her birthday was.

“It’s the same day as my best friend’s grandmother’s,” Sorcha replied. “I don’t know why she’s so much older, though. I guess she just grew up faster.”