Punch Lines

Fen-Phen Is Bad Bad: “Doctors at the Mayo Clinic have discovered that the weight-loss drug combination fen-phen causes heart and lung damage,” says Alex Kaseberg. “At least now we know how it makes you lose weight. It dissolves your internal organs.”

* “Fen-phen--the diet pill that makes you drop dead gorgeous.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Actually, fen-phen is so bad for your lungs, the tobacco companies are trying to think of ways to sell it to kids.” (Jay Leno)

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Milestones: Wednesday was O.J. Simpson’s 50th birthday. “He’s gotta be the easiest guy in the world to shop for,” says Leno. “He needs clothes. He needs furniture. He needs the Heisman trophy. He needs a house.”

Simpson’s Brentwood mansion is on the auction block. “Among the amenities listed by Century 21 is a permanent, long-haired, live-in house guest suitable for use as a mannequin, scarecrow or lawn ornament.” (Bob Mills)

Krispy Kreme, a doughnut invented in the 1930s, is going on display in the Smithsonian. “The doughnut will be displayed on the seat of a police cruiser.” (Bill Williams)

This week marks the 10th anniversary of Oliver North’s testimony on Iran-Contra. “North now does a radio show,” says the Daily Scoop. “Yes. You can listen to criminals on the air without having to listen to rap.”

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Money Matters: New York is the most expensive city to dine out in with an average check of $30 per meal. “Once you include the baby-sitter, the valet parker and the mugger, that can really add up.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Lockheed Martin and Northrop Grumman are merging, says Paul Steinberg. “Northrop makes the stealth bomber. Lockheed’s making the next space shuttle. Together they’ll be able to make a shuttle with cost overruns the public can’t see.”

“Apple CEO Gilbert Amelio has resigned,” says Paul Ecker. “His compensation package is being handled by Michael Ovitz.”

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Martian Chronicles: “Scientists are surprised to find how similar Mars is to Earth. Obviously, they’ve never been to Barstow,” says the Daily Scoop. “Add a few strip malls, and you could call it home.”

“After a week of viewing Mars’ desert-like landscape, the question persists: Where do we build the first casino?” (Stan Kaplan)

“Mattel has a toy version of the Mars rover. Unfortunately, it takes seven months to get to your house.” (Premiere)

Reader Nadia Freed says 8-year-old Brittany was having her second piano lesson. Her teacher pointed to a note and asked its value. When she didn’t answer, he took a quarter out of his pocket and asked her what it was. Brittany’s unhesitating answer:

“Tails.”