PUNCH LINES

And “B” Is for Banal: The TV industry has OKd a new ratings system. “There is ‘S’ for sex, ‘L’ for offensive language, ‘V’ for violence and ‘T’ for ‘Turn it off! Tom Arnold is in it!’ “(Alex Kaseberg)

* “It’s a content-based television rating system,” explains the Cutler Daily Scoop. “We know, that sounds like an oxymoron. . . .”

* “A ‘BWP’ rating means the program lacks a story line, as in ‘Baywatch Plot.’ ” (Bob Mills)

* “Fox’s ‘Pacific Palisades’ will get a ‘VSD’ designation for very stupid dialogue.” (Mark Wheeler)

* “ ‘NDP’ means ‘The following “Saturday Night Live” sketches have no discernible payoff.’ ” (Mills)

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Critter Corner: A North Carolina woman was arrested after piercing the ears of a deer. “Well, there goes the Rudolph tattoo she’d planned.” (Paul Ecker)

* “She pierced a baby deer’s ears and put zircon-studded earrings in them. Fortunately, the deer is OK and was last seen roller-blading toward Venice Beach.” (Russ Myers)

R.J. Reynolds is retiring Joe Camel. “But he wasn’t out of work long. His contract was picked up by the people who make fen-phen.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “The company will be using a more appropriate symbol--a skull and crossbones.” (Daily Scoop)

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Martian Chronicles: “The best evidence that at one time there was life on Mars: NASA’s rover found a sign that said ‘No Leaf Blowers Allowed.’ ” (George Kiseda)

“NASA’s 360-degree panoramic photo of the Martian landscape is amazing,” says the Daily Scoop. “To the north of the Pathfinder, red rocks. To the east, red rocks, to the south. . . .”

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Modern Travel: Airlines are going to start matching bags to passengers, says the Daily Scoop. “Passengers heading for L.A. without a screenplay in their bags will undergo extra security, and those traveling to Washington without a bag of money for the DNC will be turned away.”

* The new system makes sure you and your bags get on the same plane, says Perisho. “Which means, for example, you may have to forgo your trip to Atlanta and board the plane to Seattle, the one your suitcase is on.”

* “United Airlines has doubled its fares for large dogs,” says Alan Ray. “You can understand why oversized canines are a problem. It takes more time for baggage personnel to lose them.”

Vice President Al Gore says he didn’t know a temple with nuns in white was a fund-raiser. “He says he thought he was at the airport.” (Mills)

Reader Nancy Clegg was helping to serve communion in her church in Hemet when a 4-year-old boy came to the front of the church with his father. He watched exactly what his father did, then dipped his own bread into the cup and ate it. Then he smiled and said:

“That was really good.”