Punch Lines

News Break: “Oops, this just in from Los Angeles. O.J. Simpson’s house was not auctioned after all. Simpson says the house is missing, can’t remember the last time he saw the house. . . . In fact, he denies ever owning such an ‘ugly-ass’ house.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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How You Know It Is the Late 20th Century: A guy in Issaquah, Wash., shot his personal computer. “His new operating system is Curtains 95.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Martha Stewart is upset about the new tell-all book about her, says Jay Leno. “She says it is a hideous piece of yellow journalism. Actually, she didn’t call it yellow journalism. She said it was more like a pale ochre.”

Barry Manilow has agreed to donate $5,000 to an ear clinic to settle a lawsuit brought about by a man who claims he was damaged by the sound level at a concert. “Actually, it wasn’t the amplification,” explains the Daily Scoop. “It was the guy sitting next to him screaming, ‘Let me out of here!’ ”

“American and British troops invaded Bosnian Serb territory and captured a prize general,” says Argus Hamilton. “Talk about wanted. This guy is rumored to have never committed adultery, and the U.S. is desperate for a Joint Chiefs chairman.”

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The Prez: White House doctors say President Clinton is making terrific progress from his knee injury, says Hamilton. “On Monday afternoon he spent six hours hiking in the woods. It was either that or buy a new golf ball.”

The White House has protested the use of Clinton footage in a new movie, “Contact.” “In a letter to Robert Zemeckis, the White House staff says, ‘You have manipulated images of the president’s public statements . . . and that’s our job.’ ” (Daily Scoop)

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Hollywood Moments: HBO added the recent Tyson-Holyfield fight to its upcoming movie about Don King. “They’re also adding a note to the credits: ‘No actors were actually eaten during the making of this film.’ ” (Daily Scoop)

* “Tyson has hired Ronald Reagan’s old PR guy to help improve his image. In fact, Tyson now wants to be called the Nipper.” (Daily Scoop)

“Members of Congress have proposed a bill that would encourage creating a TV show for the entire family,” says Alex Kaseberg. “So far, all the networks have been able to come up with is ‘Yo, MTV Raps Home Improvement with Barney.’ ”

The hit movie “Men in Black” features a weapon that causes your adversary to lose his memory, says Hamilton. “They have a device just like that in Washington. It’s called a subpoena.”

Readers Vance and Julie Becker set off at first light for a family reunion with their 4-year-old granddaughter, Chanel, in the back seat. “It’s morning,” Chanel noted as she dozed off for a nap. A bit later she awoke and gazed out the window.

“It’s morninger!” she exclaimed.