Punch Lines

Around the Country: Hurricane Danny left North Carolina victims up to their necks in flood water, says Argus Hamilton. “Within hours, GOP disaster relief workers arrived and offered to index their capital gains for inflation.”

“House Whip Tom Delay explained he tried to overthrow Newt Gingrich because he was sleepy. Yeah, Delay was Sleepy, Dick Armey was Grumpy and Bill Paxon was Dopey. No wonder Newt’s hair is Snow White.” (Hamilton)

Cathy Guisewite, creator of the “Cathy” comic strip is getting married. “We don’t know anything about the groom other than that he likes to sit and wait while his date shops for shoes.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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Heat Wave: “House Democrats and Republicans played a softball game Saturday in Washington in 95-degree heat,” says Hamilton. “They were able to finish quickly. In the middle of the fifth inning, they voted to close two of the bases.”

Heat warnings have been issued in the Midwest. “It’s so hot, even Mike Tyson won’t go out for a bite.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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On the Beach: Shaquille O’Neal will make an appearance on “Baywatch” this fall. Says Kaseberg: “In his big scene, he throws a basketball into the ocean. He actually got it on his fifth try.”

Pamela Lee’s new autobiography will make good summer reading at the beach. “In fact,” says Rudolph J. Cecera, “you could even take it in the water because I understand it floats.”

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The Prez: Bill Clinton and Vice President Al Gore hosted an environmental summit at Lake Tahoe over the weekend. “The president displayed a keen knowledge of the area’s history, comparing the Donner party to the current Republican leadership in Congress.” (Bob Mills)

“President Clinton decided to have a Jacuzzi installed in the White House living quarters. It’s already generating a lot of interest. Don’t miss Harrison Ford next summer in ‘Hot Tub One.’ ” (Hamilton)

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Weird Facts: London prostitutes are posting their business cards in telephone booths, says Mills. “Londoners immediately dubbed the service ‘call girl waiting.’ ”

The Mars rover Sojourner examined its fourth rock on the weekend. “NASA scientists named this one Souffle,” says Jerry Perisho. “Up to now, Martian rocks have consisted of calcium and silicone. Souffle is made up of egg whites, flour and a little sugar.”

John Tesh trading cards are coming out. “What would you trade them for? A ’93 Yanni?” (Daily Scoop)

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Reader Wealthy Shill and her husband were out walking with four other senior citizen couples when they passed a mother with two little girls. One of them, about 4 years old, said,

“Mom, look at all the grandpas and grandmas.”