O’Neal Tries Slapstick, but It’s Not Funny

So, how did you dress for Halloween?

You may have heard about Shaquille O’Neal.

He went as a 3-year-old.

The first official act of leadership by the Lakers’ new self-proclaimed leader Friday was to lead with his left palm.

Greg Ostertag went down, and with him, the hope that our favorite genie will begin the NBA season as a grown-up.

It happened about 11 a.m. at the Forum, between the shoot-arounds that preceded the Lakers’ opener against the Utah Jazz.

The Jazz were taking the court. The Lakers were leaving.

“Hey, Ostertag!” O’Neal shouted to his Jazz counterpart.

Considering Ostertag had ripped O’Neal for a lack of class after last season’s playoff series, everyone knew O’Neal wasn’t just saying hello.

Considering O’Neal had recently called Ostertag a “scrub,” everyone knew this was trouble.

They met on the southwest corner of the floor: O’Neal at 7 feet 1, 315 pounds, Ostertag at 7 feet 2, 279.

The last time something like this happened, the Washington Monument called out the Statue of Liberty.

According to witnesses who paraphrased, their conversation consisted of the following:

O’Neal: “Why don’t you quit talking trash about me?”

Ostertag: “Why don’t you stick it?”

Whap!

Thump!

The first sound was O’Neal’s hubcap-sized left palm striking Ostertag’s tire-sized left cheek.

The second sound was Ostertag hitting the floor.

O’Neal slapped him so hard, Ostertag initially stayed down.

O’Neal slapped him so hard, when Ostertag finally did get up, he was without his right contact lens.

It was knocked clear out.

“The only time I’ve seen anything like that was when Rudy Tomjanovich was hit,” said Jim Hill, Channel 2 sports director who was standing at midcourt.

“Never seen anything like it,” said Ron Boone, Jazz broadcaster and former player. “A fight between opposing players during a practice?”

O’Neal stepped back and cocked his hands as if preparing for a counterattack. When it was obvious that Ostertag was not going to offer one, O’Neal’s bodyguard ushered him away, and that was that.

But this is not over.

This has just started.

Those celebrating this morning that somebody finally flattened Utah’s buzz-headed bumpkin with the John Deere-sized mouth, a couple of questions:

Will you also celebrate when O’Neal sit out several games because of a suspension?

Will you also celebrate when the rest of the league spends the rest of the season goading O’Neal into using that same slap during a game?

“It was a mistake, but it happened, and it will be a black eye that stays with him the rest of his career,” Utah’s Karl Malone said.

In two nondescript seasons, Ostertag has been criticized for many things, toughness among them.

But he’ll take that fall.

Those celebrating this morning that O’Neal finally fought Ostertag and won, understand that prisons are filled with those sorts of winners.

Some would think O’Neal, who sat out the Lakers’ ensuing 104-87 victory over the Jazz because of an abdominal injury, was lucky he didn’t break his hand.

In truth, because the assault didn’t happen in a game or in a practice, O’Neal is lucky he was not arrested.

“Was it silly and childish? Absolutely,” Malone said. “And does Shaq know it? Absolutely.”

During training camp, it was Malone to whom giddy Laker officials were comparing O’Neal.

You know, the mature leader who is not afraid to speak out. The coach on the floor. The coach in the locker room.

O’Neal agreed to it. We bought it.

“Like the Jazz are Malone’s team, the Lakers will be Shaq’s team,” officials said.

This may still happen this season. But it’s not happening now until O’Neal apologizes to Ostertag, to Laker teammates, and understands that leaders are not created from cheap shots and street brawls.

“I’ve had guys say something about every part of my life except my wife and family,” Malone said. “I get it back on the floor.”

This has always been O’Neal’s tactic before. Play hard, smile later.

At times during his first year here, he has seemed as incapable of violence as Barney.

What happened to make him snap Friday?

Neither O’Neal nor Ostertag were commenting before the game, so we could only imagine.

Did Ostertag throw ice on him, and O’Neal couldn’t find a barroom window?

Had Ostertag been making threatening phone calls to his house, and O’Neal didn’t have time to call Greg Lloyd?

Had Ostertag not understood the moral of “Steel”?

“Maybe,” Boone said, “Shaq was trying to intimidate him for the rest of the season.”

That’s as good a reason as any.

Maybe, at age 25, O’Neal thought that he could set the tone for the season the way he sets the tone for his movies.

Maybe he thought that brute force was the best and quickest way to make the Lakers his team.

For now, this is Shaquille O’Neal’s team, all right.

The way the Chicago Bulls are Dennis Rodman’s team, and the Houston Rockets are Charles Barkley’s team.