All We Are Saying: Give Pizza a Chance

The councilwoman stands up, her voice quavering. She has just survived the most toxic and expensive recall campaign in local history. Now she must try to make peace with the colleagues who despise her. She must bring together a lovely city that is starting to look like Bosnia with a mall. She must address her fellow council members from the heart, and they must respond in kind:

* It’s time for reconciliation.

* Yes! It’s time for reconciliation!

* We must put the past behind us!

* Yes! Let’s put the past behind us!

* But at the same time we should celebrate our differences.

* Absolutely! Let us celebrate our differences!

* So let’s agree on one guiding principle as we blaze a trail into the 21st century.

* Agreement is a good thing! But on what shall we agree?

* Let’s agree that in any city--even a city as striking and as rich as Thousand Oaks, a city of fine schools and a wonderful library and a magnificent arts center--let us agree that even in a city as blessed as Thousand Oaks, there is such a thing as too much pizza!

*

Whoops!

If Elois Zeanah is to rally the council, that might not be the best approach. Pizza is a sensitive subject and should be avoided, even if Jill Lederer, Zeanah’s arch-foe, owns 10 Domino’s outlets, sunk an astounding $220,000 into the recall, and sent pizzas all over town with anti-Zeanah messages slapped on the box.

Instead, Zeanah should ignore the Domino’s effect and consider sending a more positive message to her colleagues:

* We should run the city like a business.

* Yes! Let’s run the city like a business!

* We should do something about the hideous Copper Curtain!

* Yes! Something!

* We should focus on quality of life for young and old!

* Yes! Quality of life for young and old!

* And the first chance we get, we should pass the Citizen’s Quality of Life Improvement Act, requiring orange tile roofs on all pizza places, and orange tile hats on all pizza delivery persons.

* Yes! Orange tile!

* Plus, we need to force the ruthless pizza barons to start nature preserves, build on-site preschools, hire grief counselors and erect monorails to keep the cheese trucks from damaging our streets! And then, of course, there are the PIFs--the Pepperoni Impact Fees! Not to mention the subsection requiring special yeast for slow-growth pies!

* Yes! OK! Whatever! Are you done yet?

*

Without some kind of restraint, the subject will just keep coming up, much like a large anchovy-and-green-pepper. Perhaps the best tack for everyone on all sides is to move on wordlessly. No apologies, no explanations, no grand gestures; the problem with extending an olive branch is that it can accidentally take someone’s eye out.

Until next year’s election, council members should be chillingly polite, just like the county’s finer dysfunctional families. They don’t have to love (or even like) each other to make a decent decision or two.

To be sure, it’s a daunting task. But the pages of history are alive with daunting tasks.

Even as the dark clouds of World War II lifted, we shouldered the burdens of our shattered enemies. We rebuilt Germany and we helped Japan back onto her feet. We even helped the Italians re-plant their vast golden fields of mozzarella. Despite the bitterness in our hearts, we did the right thing.

Had we failed to do so, could we ever have had pizza in our time?