THE TIMES RANKINGS BY T.J. SIMERS : NFL TOP TO BOTTOM

1. Denver (9-2): Strength of schedule merits edge over frauds from ‘Frisco.

2. San Francisco (10-1): Remaining foes have mark of 34-21--it’s all downhill now--imagine no brakes on a streetcar. 3. Green Bay (8-3): Sign up for Packer stock Sunday in Green Bay; follow signs saying “Suckers this way.”

4. Jacksonville (8-3): Brunell vs. Boomer--if it were computer game matching young with old, Boomer would have a chance.

5. Minnesota (8-3): Dennis Green matches wits with Bill Parcells. There has to be a funny line there.

6. Pittsburgh (8-3): Before Phillips, the Rams thought Bettis was a bad guy--now they know bad.

7. Tampa Bay (8-3): Buccaneers are 0-16 in cold; getting the home-field advantage might be a good idea.

8. Kansas City (8-3): After watching Gannon throw the ball, Chiefs had better run.

9. New York Jets (7-4): Keyshawn got mad for being asked about UCLA-USC. Good thing he didn’t go to Notre Dame.

10. Dallas (6-5): Another key personnel move by Dallas--Jerry Jones will be back on the sideline. 11. Miami (7-4): To heck with defense, Johnson takes Bledsoe to nearest mosh pit before the game.

12. New England (6-5): To heck with mosh pit, Bledsoe wants to go bungee jumping--minus the rope.

13. Seattle (6-5): What’s more depressing? Living in rainy Seattle or losing to the Saints?

14. Washington (6-5): Norv Turner looked more out of it than Barry Switzer last week.

15. New York Giants (7-4): What if the Jets and the Giants play in the Super Bowl? Hope there’s a good NBA game on.

16. Detroit (5-6): Lions get a pair of 1-10 teams next two weeks, and they’re concerned.

17. Tennessee (5-6): Another treasured moment for the football fans of Memphis.

18. Carolina (5-6): There’s one thing you can say about quarterbacks with the last name of Collins.

19. Buffalo (5-6): Whether they play in Carolina or Buffalo, they are horrible.

20. Philadelphia (4-6-1): Detmer, Peete, Hoying . . . now what?

21. Baltimore (4-6-1): Bam Morris might go to jail this week, but not before saving the day for the Ravens.

22. Oakland (4-7): Phillips must be arrested one more time before becoming eligible to play for the Raiders. 23. San Diego (4-7): Front office says some players don’t care; who picked these players?

24. Cincinnati (3-8): If they’re going to bring Boomer back, then Sam Wyche should be calling the plays.

25. New Orleans (4-7): After a happy-go-lucky Vermeil, wouldn’t it be a kick if Ditka claimed Phillips?

26. Atlanta (3-8): As long as the Rams and Saints are around, the Falcons have the chance to win.

27. St. Louis (2-9): Georgia drops another running back . . . first Dickerson, Bettis, now Phillips.

28. Arizona (2-9): The Cardinals might be interested in Phillips; hey, they hired Buddy Ryan.

29. Indianapolis (1-10): If you are Peyton Manning or Ryan Leaf, who are you rooting for?

30. Chicago (1-10): The Bears to lose more than the Colts, or the Colts to lose more than the Bears?