Laugh Lines

Rupert Murdoch says he might find a partner after buying the Dodgers. “Who’d be a suitable partner for the Dodgers? Aside from Heimlich?” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Baseball cards go up in value this time of year,” says Alan Ray. “The L.A. Dodgers’ cards are different from the others. They fold.”

The federal government announced a plan to spend $50 million to promote sexual abstinence. “Why can’t NBC sports do that?” asks Steve Voldseth.

“The House and Senate quietly voted themselves pay raises,” says Ray. “They feel it’s justified. Cutting off welfare recipients is no picnic.”

“George Clooney’s ‘The Peacemaker’ opened,” says the Daily Scoop. “George tries to save the world from terrorists armed with nuclear weapons . . . or zoom lenses . . . we forget which.”

Roman Polanski, who fled the U.S. in 1977 after being arrested for having sex with a 13-year-old girl, is trying to make a deal to return. “The funniest sight will be seeing him applauded at the Oscars as if he were Solzhenitsyn just let out of labor camp.” (Argus Hamilton)

“Richard Noble broke the land speed record at 714.144 mph,” says Jenny Church. “That was just after his live-in girlfriend asked him for a commitment.”

Promise Keepers gathering in Washington, D.C., this weekend expects to draw 700,000 men. “There’s your oxymoron for the day: promise keepers in Washington.” (Daily Scoop)

“The Senate is debating the McCain Feingold campaign finance bill. A poll says 30% of Americans think McCain Feingold is a good idea while the other 70% think it’s a premium lager.” (Hamilton)

“Marv Albert was fired for violating the standard morals clause in his contract,” Jay Leno explains. “If an NBC employee does anything off the air that the Fox network would show on the air, you’re gone.”

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Reader Lila Friedland says her brother in Florida was talking on the phone long distance with his grandson, Michael. He told Michael that he had to have his teeth pulled and new ones made. Michael said, “Don’t they grow back? They do in New York.”

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