1. Denver (2-0): Broncos have new book--How...

1. Denver (2-0): Broncos have new book--How To Live Up To Expectations--and have mailed it to Packers.

2. New England (2-0): Let’s see how Drew Bledsoe plays with one eye on Tuna, other on field.

3. Jacksonville (2-0)): Remember when the Big Three referred to the top teams in the NFC?

4. Tampa Bay (2-0): Bucs have new book--How To Go Undefeated--and have mailed it to Packers.

5. Green Bay (1-1): Just another wild-card team.

6. San Francisco (1-1): You used to be able to say: That Steve Young, he has a good head on his shoulders.

7. Dallas (1-1): Only chance Emmitt Smith has of scoring anymore is if he becomes Cowboys’ field-goal kicker.

8. Miami (2-0): Prediction: Slow start in Green Bay and Craig Erickson gets call in the pen.

9. Minnesota (2-0): Another fast start, and then come November it will be: Gone Ice Fishing.

10. Pittsburgh (1-1): Asking Stewart to play quarterback is like asking Bettis to play there.

11. Kansas City (1-1): Elvis makes beautiful music with Rison. Just don’t get fat, baby.

12. Washington (1-1): New stadium opens, will probably close before L.A. opens its own.

13. Philadelphia (1-1): David knocks down Goliath, but David’s still a shrimp.

14. Carolina (1-1): When Kerry Collins audibilizes, does he use racial slurs?

15. Cincinnati (1-1): Sleeper team has yet to wake up.

16. Tennessee (1-1): It’s Eddie George against the world.

17. Oakland (0-2): Coach, players were not hiding from media--just running from Al Davis.

18. Buffalo (1-1): Emotional Bills rise up and smack Jets--wow--that’s what it’s come to around here.

19. Detroit (1-1): How tough is it to coach the Lions? Get the ball to Sanders; keep it from Mitchell.

20. St. Louis (1-1): The Rams’ way: Banks can’t hold onto the ball, Georgia can’t hold onto husbands.

21. New York Jets (1-1): Too bad Parcells couldn’t have Roger Clemens throwing the ball.

22. Arizona (1-1): Fans tear down goalposts, react as if their team never wins.

23. New York Giants (1-1): Hard to go unnoticed in New York unless you’re playing opposite Parcells.

24. Baltimore (1-1): Ravens win! Isn’t luck a wonderful thing?

25. Indianapolis (0-2): NFL provides map to help Colts locate end zones. Colts decline, ask to play Seahawks.

26. San Diego (1-1): Team fails to sell out opener; fans confused, thought game was off limits.

27. Chicago (0-2): More bad news--Rick Mirer says he knows the offense and is ready to go.

28. Atlanta (0-2): Chandler can’t be well; why would anyone rush back from concussion to play for this team?

29. Seattle (0-2): Just think when it starts raining here every day; talk about depressing.

30. New Orleans (0-2): “The Game” is a mystery for Michael Douglas; Heath Shuler can probably relate.