Off-Kilter

Mystery of the Day: We don’t know about you, but we’ve been losing sleep over the following question: If sticking pins into voodoo dolls hurts people, what does acupuncture on humans do to Barbie and Ken?

Art 101: We are definitely connoisseurs of modern art, such as Jackson Pollock’s masterpiece “Kids Broke Into Studio and Threw Paint Around.” More recently, we have learned about several other projects that sound worthy of NEA grants.

In San Francisco, a conceptual artist named Nicolino is seeking donations of 30,000 bras to finish a 40,000-brassiere “tapestry” that he wants to launch into the sky with 10 large, breast-like helium balloons. Nicolino also hopes to present the work to President Clinton to publicize a supposed link between tight bras and breast cancer.

In a similar vein, the museum at Southern Illinois University in Carbondale recently hosted “Show Us Yours,” an exhibition of “undergarment art.” The collection included an empty glass box titled “What a Scotsman Wears Under His Kilt” and a diorama of lap-dancing Barbie dolls clad in tiny satin teddies.

Finally, a British artist recently announced plans to sculpt a 12-foot-high statue of Princess Diana’s head.

Weird Polls Report: The latest surveys have just arrived:

* A groundbreaking study by Valvoline and the National Institute of Automotive Service Excellence found that 34% of U.S. mechanics would like to give actress Sandra Bullock a free oil change. When asked which political figure would make the best car repairman, 55% said Colin Powell, 16% chose Rush Limbaugh and 11% voted for President Clinton. Only 2% said they would trust their vehicle with Secretary of State Madeleine Albright.

* The least-known nation in the world is Suriname, according to a global survey commissioned by the former Dutch colony’s tourist board. Less than 5% of respondents had heard of the country, and only 1% knew it was in South America (next to Guyana). However, Suriname’s obscurity would probably end if it were home to . . . the World’s Largest Tapestry Bra.

Lunatic Fringe Department: Jenna Catherine, a Philadelphia author who claims she recently traveled through time to the year 2020, predicts that humans in the next century will be able to “telepathically communicate” with food as they eat it.

Get-a-Life Department: A Young Republicans club in New York is asking the U.S. Postal Service to recall a 22-cent stamp issued in 1986 because the “S” in “Harry S. Truman” is printed with a period after it, even though Truman’s middle name is just S with no period. Perhaps the Young Republicans have been drinking too much Dr Pepper.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: Someone seems to have hijacked our Weekly World News again, but that’s OK because it gives us a chance to tell you that America isn’t the only nation with bizarre newspapers displayed at grocery-store checkout stands. Middle Eastern tabloids, for example, recently reported that Libyan strongman Moammar Kadafi wants Celine Dion to visit Tripoli to join him in performing “Beauty and the Beast.”

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributors: Wireless Flash News Service, Vent magazine

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