Punch Lines

That’s Cool: “It’s so hot in Southern California lately, fans at the ballpark started a heat wave.” (LaMonte Laments)

That’s Hot: “In Washington it was so hot Monica Lewinsky’s dress had stains on it just from perspiration.” (Jay Leno)

Crime and Cleanliness: The FBI crime lab is performing tests on Lewinsky’s dress to determine whether it contains evidence of a sexual encounter with President Clinton. “Lucky it’s the FBI lab. If the LAPD crime lab had the dress, they would have had it dry-cleaned by now.” (Bob Mills)

The Real Story: Researchers say Capt. John Smith’s story of Pocahontas is not true. “Instead of Pocahontas begging her father, the chief, to spare her lover’s life, in reality, Pocahontas had her conversations recorded by her confidante, Tripping Buffalo, and agreed to testify against Smith in exchange for immunity.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Military Affairs: The Pentagon has issued strict new rules on military fraternization that will severely restrict love affairs and even some friendships in the service. “However, high-ranking officers caught in bed with defense contractors are, as always, exempt.” (Mills)

Back to Business: General Motors is trying to restore normalcy at its auto plants. “Its No. 1 priority is to get back on track and regain its low ranking in the automotive industry.” (David Christensen)

Stolen Pleasures: Toyota has announced that it is entering the powerboat market. “Actually, boaters already knew about this, weeks in advance, when they started to notice inflatable chop shops appearing all over the water.” (Jeff Corveau)

Cluck Luck: A San Diego judge has ruled that the San Diego Chicken can continue doing a skit in which he beats up Barney the dinosaur. “After the chicken is finished with Barney, the next dinosaur he’ll take on is the winner of the George Foreman / Larry Holmes fight.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Bricklayer: Actor Rod Steiger has written a sequel to “The Wizard of Oz.” “So much was left unanswered by the first movie. For example, why didn’t the good witch tell Dorothy right from the start that the Wicked Witch was allergic to water?” (Premiere Radio)

Soapbox: “The Young and the Restless” is celebrating it 500th week as the No. 1-rated soap opera. “The show’s rating has lasted 10 times longer than any of the show’s relationships.” (Premiere Radio)

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