Off-Kilter

Rotten to the Core?: Apples have been getting people into trouble since the dawn of time. First Adam and Eve, then Snow White and now a 15-year-old student from Contra Costa County.

The latest episode began when a boy identified only as Gavin T. hurled a half-eaten apple at a wall during lunch. Unfortunately, it traveled through an open door and knocked a teacher out cold.

In court, the judge said Gavin’s intentions were innocent but nevertheless convicted him of assault with a deadly fruit. This week, a state appeals court unanimously overturned the verdict, declaring that “a half-eaten apple is not a deadly weapon.” However, according to the Record newspaper, the judges refused to rule out future fruit cases, saying: “We are not talking here about watermelons, after all.”

The Whole World’s Not Watching: A vigil to mark the 30th anniversary of Chicago’s bloody 1968 Democratic convention drew 12 people, according to the Chicago Tribune.

This Deity Is Not Available in Stores!: It isn’t easy getting heathens into church, which is why some ministers are turning to unorthodox ad campaigns to grab attention. For example:

* A Minnesota church recently sponsored spots featuring a giant football with the caption: “Our fall worship schedule allows time for your other religion.”

* In Maryland, an Episcopal priest has launched a controversial series of newspaper ads, including one with a Renaissance-style image of Jesus’ crucifixion accompanied by the message, “Of course people with pierced body parts are welcome in our church.”

A second says, “To hell with church” and shows a man with various thoughts pouring out of his head, such as, “If I want to feel guilty, I’ll eat some cheese fries.” Across the bottom it reads: “Got a problem with church? Let’s fix it.”

* Another Episcopal minister, George H. Martin, has spent 19 years producing humorous religious messages through a company called the Church Ad Project. One of his newest depicts the dashboard of a car with the text: “You say his name often enough on the highway. Why not try saying it in church? You’ll feel much better using the Lord’s name in prayer. Worship this Sunday.”

Additional ad slogans can be found at Martin’s Web site, https://churchad.com/.

Monologue Monitor: President Clinton’s popularity rating is sky high--among late-night talk show hosts. According to a study by the Center for Media and Public Affairs, Clinton is the No. 1 butt of monologue jokes so far this year. As of July 31, he had scored an impressive 1,028 barbs, which is 200 higher than his total for all of 1997 and almost double his nine top competitors combined.

Rounding out the top 10 monologue targets were Monica Lewinsky (185 jokes), Kenneth Starr (73 jokes), O.J. Simpson (69), Paula Jones (64), Linda Tripp (57), Al Gore (52), Hillary Clinton (46), Saddam Hussein (32) and Janet Reno (28). The survey also found that Jay Leno told the most sex-related gags (545), followed by David Letterman (364), Bill Maher (152) and Conan O’Brien (111).

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Tornado Winds Drive Uncooked Spaghetti Into Man’s Heart!” (Weekly World News)

The victim was supposedly inside a Colombian cooking school when a twister swept through the building and flung the killer pasta into his chest. Nevertheless, a California appeals court has ruled that uneaten spaghetti is not a deadly weapon.

* Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Unpaid Informants: Baltimore Sun, Wall Street Journal