LAUGH LINES

Cyberbeat: “The bad thing about doing your Christmas shopping online is that people are doing it on their computers at the office. What happens is, you get so caught up in it, all of a sudden you realize it’s 5 p.m. ‘Oh my God, I haven’t played solitaire or Minesweeper once today!’ ” (Jay Leno)

The Red Light: Universal Studios’ film division chairman, Casey Silver, resigned--the second top Universal executive to do so in just two weeks. “The chairman is disappointed. . . . He was really looking forward to giving the green light to his next film, ‘Meet Joe Black 2.’ ” (Mark Wheeler)

Speaking of Universal: The studio’s expensive sequel, “Babe: Pig in the City,” opened to a disastrous $8.2 million in ticket sales. “Insiders are calling it ‘Babe: Pig at the Box Office.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

A Dangerous Diet: “Know what they expect to be the biggest new treat this year? Snacks made with Olestra. This is the stuff that makes the fat go right through you, so if you have to eat it, it might be a good idea to hang on to the wrapper.” (Leno)

From the Sports Desk: George Steinbrenner was offered $600 million to sell the New York Yankees. “But the offer didn’t sit right with him. For that kind of money, he should get to play for the New York Yankees.” (Argus Hamilton)

And Today’s Ken Starr Joke: It has been revealed that Starr spent about $19,000 a month to house a few staffers in luxury apartments. “Dammit, if Bill Clinton can hang out in cheap motels, so can they!” (Premiere Radio)

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The Essential David Letterman

Cool things about having an affair with the president:

7. At your request, nuclear launch code changed to “90210.”

6. Your old job: beautician at strip mall. Your new job: secretary of commerce.

5. You now belong to a select group of 48,000 women.

4. You get to pick up the red phone and scream, “What’s happenin’, you Russki bastards?”

3. You’re the only college student to arrive at spring break in a B1 bomber.

2. According to the Constitution, your 15-year-old brother automatically becomes “First Dude.”

1. Fifty percent off at all participating McDonald’s.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.