You Have to Wonder How They Earned Their Stripes

A review of Week 14 in the NFL, and this just in: Referee Phil Luckett has a solution to the, “Did Vinny Testaverde score?” controversy--a coin flip, which he will be happy to conduct.

Don’t Call Tails

Luckett, a computer program analyst during the week, has now been involved in botched calls two consecutive games. He heard “heads” while everyone else heard Pittsburgh running back Jerome Bettis call “tails,” awarded the ball to Detroit in overtime, which took it, scored and won.

Luckett later said he heard Bettis say, “Hea . . . tails.”

The league bought his explanation and didn’t fine him, so after Sunday’s blown goal-line call, which allowed the Jets to defeat the Seahawks, effectively eliminating Seattle from playoff contention and sealing Dennis Erickson’s fate as a soon-to-be fired coach, Luckett was once again quick to shift the blame.

To replay: Jet quarterback Vinny Testaverde ran up the middle on fourth and goal, his knee clearly hitting the turf a yard shy of the goal, the ball cradled to his chest, clearly short of the goal line--only his helmet crossing it. The ball must hit the line, and before his knee hits the ground.

“The head linesman [Earnie Frantz] did not have a delayed call,” Luckett said. “He called it right away and signaled. There was a pile-up, but the head linesman had already called a touchdown for the ball breaking the plane.”

Officials are trained to call only what they see and if Frantz, a vice president and manager of an insurance company, saw the ball crossing the plane, he needs an eye exam and a new part-time job. If he was guessing, he needs a new part-time job. If he wanted the Jets to win. . . .

“God’s playing in some of these games,” Jet Coach Bill Parcells said, “And he was on our side [Sunday].”

The devil you say: It’s just Luckett and his crew settling the instant-replay debate.

Bernie Deserves a Shot

You’ve seen “Weekend at Bernie’s,” the movie in which a dead man is hauled around to a variety of silly scenarios. Well, you take Bernie, stand him up and then let him fall flat on his face and he out-gains Emmitt Smith. Smith ran 15 times against the Saints and gained six yards. . . .

Lobster and Champagne

Asked about the Broncos’ chances of going 19-0 now that they are 13-0, Denver tight end Shannon Sharpe said, “If you’re at the restaurant, you might as well order dinner.”

Piling on

Former Kansas City defensive lineman Neil Smith, now a Bronco, has taken potshots at his former boss, Marty Schottenheimer, all season. But none was better than the one delivered after the Broncos’ victory Sunday over the Chiefs.

“Who is going to go out first, Marty or [John] Elway?” Smith asked.

Picky, Picky, Picky

Donald Hollas throws six passes to the Miami Dolphins, and the Raiders yank him from the game. Come on, he was playing the game of his life, having thrown 12 to his teammates.

Livingston, I Presume

How boring are the Chiefs? Rich Gannon threw three touchdown passes against the Broncos after having thrown three a week earlier against Arizona.

The last time a Chief quarterback did that, Elvis Grbac was 2 years old. Mike Livingston performed that incredible Kansas City feat in 1972.

Mom Was Right

What’s the first thing your mother tells you when riding in a car, other than to let her know in time that you’re going to be sick? Don’t hang your arm out the window, or you’ll lose it.

Patriot linebacker Ted Johnson wasn’t listening. He stuck his arm out and “the Bus” tried taking it with him.

“I was just reaching out to tackle Jerome [Bettis] and his momentum was just too much for my arm and the tendon just snapped,” said Johnson, out for the season and scheduled for surgery this week.

AFC East Champion?

The Jets and Miami are tied at 9-4, trailed by New England and Buffalo at 8-5, so which team wins the division title, possibly avoiding a second-round playoff trip to get mooshed in Denver?

The teams tied for first have the toughest schedules--the Jets’ opponents standing 26-13 and the Dolphins’ 33-6. The Patriots’ and Bills’ foes are each 22-17.

The Jets, who have the best tiebreaking mark in the division at 4-1, should win it all because besides having the officials rooting for them, all three remaining opponents are division rivals.

If the season ended today, the Jets would win the division title and the three other teams would qualify as wild cards--leaving Pittsburgh, Oakland and Tennessee out.

Knew It All Along

You’ve been saying it for years, those Cowboys--they’re real dogs.

So sure enough, after the Saints beat those Cowboys, Dallas Coach Chan Gailey said, “We got the dog beat out of us.”

In the NFC, Who Cares?

Atlanta’s remaining opponents have a combined record of 20-19, and the 49ers’ foes are 16-23. San Francisco has a season-ending game at home against the Rams, who quit weeks ago.

The 49ers have two remaining home games, the Falcons one. They split their season series--the first tiebreaker, and each is 6-1 in the NFC West Division--the second tiebreaker. That puts a premium on Atlanta’s game at New Orleans this week, and the 49ers’ finale against St. Louis. Edge to San Francisco.

If the Falcons and 49ers both win their division games, but end the regular season in a tie--meaning Atlanta will have lost one more game to either Detroit or Miami, the third tiebreaker is conference records.

If San Francisco wins out, the 49ers will be 10-2 in NFC games. If Atlanta beats New Orleans to stay tied with the 49ers on the division tiebreaker but loses to Detroit, the Falcons will also finish 10-2, sending it to a fourth tiebreaker, best winning percentage against common opponents.

The Jets are the pivotal team if it comes down to common opponents: The Falcons lost to them, the 49ers defeated them.

If Atlanta beats Detroit and New Orleans, the Falcons win the West title, no matter how they fare against Miami.

As for wild cards, the Falcons and 49ers have qualified, the Packers figure to, leaving the Cardinals (6-7), Saints (6-7) and Buccaneers (6-7) fighting to probably play the Cowboys in the first round.

Who has the tiebreaking advantage? You can’t be serious.