OK, Let’s Play Sheriff: ‘You Can’t!’ ‘Can!’

News item: Longtime Orange County Sheriff Brad Gates is steamed because he thinks Sheriff-elect Michael Carona is overeager to assume office. Their simmering feud flared at Tuesday’s Board of Supervisors meeting.

“Bradley, Mikey, do you know why we’re here today?”

The men stared sullenly at the ground and remained silent for 10 seconds. Finally, Bradley spoke:

“Yes, Ms. Hancock. To learn about

conflict resolution.”

“And why do we need that?” she asked.

“ ‘Cuz we don’t know how to solve our problems like big people,” Mikey said.

“That’s right, Mikey.”

Ms. Hancock looked away and in that split second Bradley used his middle finger and thumb to flick the back of Mikey’s ear.

“Oww, he hit me in the ear!” Mikey wailed.

“Did not, you big sissy,” Bradley said, smirking.

“All right, you two,” Ms. Hancock said, sternly. “Bradley, why do you think you and Mikey can’t get along?”

“Because he wants to be sheriff and he’s not qualified and he’s been saying bad things about me, and I can’t stand it, stand it, stand it!”

“Mikey, does Bradley have a point?”

“No, he’s just an old stupidhead. He thinks he’s so smart and such a hot sheriff just because he’s taller than everybody else. And he called me names first.”

“What did he say?”

“He said I was a glorified bailiff who didn’t know how to run a big Sheriff’s Department and that I--”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Bradley cried, putting his hands over his ears and making howling sounds.

“Bet you can’t make me,” Mikey said, putting up his dukes.

Ms. Hancock restored order. “Bradley, let him finish.”

“--and that I wasn’t even qualified to be sergeant in his stupid department and that I’d surround myself with knuckleheads.”

“Bradley, did you say those mean things?”

“So what if I did? He’s just gonna come in and goof up everything.”

“Jealous, jealous,” Mikey said in a mocking tone.

“I’ll show you who’s jealous,” Bradley said, whipping out a pair of brass knuckles and punching Mikey in the arm.

“Oww!’ Mikey yelled. “He hit me again.”

“Keep saying stupid stuff and I’ll keep hitting you!” Bradley retorted.

Ms. Hancock stepped in again but not before taking an accidental karate chop to the forehead from Mikey.

“Bradley, you’ve been sheriff a long time. Is it possible you’re feeling some pain in stepping down?”

“Well . . . “ Bradley said.

“Maybe just a little?” Ms. Hancock said, gently.

“Maybe. A little.”

“And is it possible, Mikey,” she said, “that you don’t know the first thing about running a sheriff’s department?”

“I know lots--”

“Mi-i-i-ikey?”

“It’s possible.”

“Now, we’re getting somewhere,” Ms. Hancock said. “We all have insecurities and we need the other person to know that. We resolve conflicts by seeing the other person’s point of view.

“Mikey, put your arms around Bradley. Bradley, put your arms around Mikey.”

“No way!” they said as one.

“Come on. We can stay here all day if we have to.”

Twenty minutes later, the men joined in what was at first a tentative embrace. Neither pulled away, however, for a full 30 seconds.

Ms. Hancock glowed. “You two don’t need me anymore.”

“Come on,” Bradley said playfully to Mikey. “Let’s take a ride in my helicopter.”

“Super!” Mikey said. “You got a helicopter?”

As they walked off, Ms. Hancock could only smile as she heard Bradley say to Mikey, “Hey, wanna try on my hat?”

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com