LAUGH LINES

It’s About Compromise: Apparently organizers of a Madame Tussaud traveling wax exhibit in Sydney, Australia, had to sew up the zipper on the President Clinton wax figure because people kept going by and opening the zipper. “When President Clinton heard about this, he agreed to stand in for the figure three days a week.” (Jay Leno)

Playing by the Rules: The International Health, Racquet & Sportsclub Assn. wants the IRS to strip the YMCA of its tax-exempt status. “They also want the Vilage People to reedit their hit song into IHRSA.” (Jerry Perisho)

Keeping Track: The Cubs’ home-run king Sammy Sosa helped light the national Christmas tree last week. “Sosa may be the best in Chicago, but in Washington nobody scores more than President Clinton.” (Perisho)

Clipped Again: Last night, due to the NBA lockout, the L.A. Sports Arena, home of the L.A. Clippers, was empty. “In other words, it was business as usual.” (Perisho)

Senioritis: At the age of 61, NCAA legend Lou Holtz was hired to coach at South Carolina. “This is the state represented by Sens. Strom Thurmond, who’s 96, and Fritz Hollings, who’s 76. The state bird is the Viagra.” (Argus Hamilton)

Those Were the Days: According to FBI files recently made public, Frank Sinatra’s Rat Pack spent the 1960s drinking, smoking, gambling and womanizing. “Call it public service. They wanted to show young people that you don’t have to do drugs to have a good time.” (Hamilton)

Where There’s Smoke: In Maine, a man lost in a snowstorm was rescued when a helicopter’s heat sensor was able to zero in on his lit cigarette lighter. “Tobacco companies were quick to point out that smoking saved the guy’s life.” (Bill Williams)

Be on the Alert: A new pocket organizer can pick up an infrared signal from your car’s remote door lock and be used to open that same door later. “So watch out for a whole new breed of carjacker: His glasses are repaired with tape, he sports a pocket protector and he’s wearing floods.” (Williams)

That’s Turbulence: “Lately the stock market has had more ups and downs than Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra.” (Earl Hochman)

The Fashion Police Report: Cindy Crawford escaped serious injury after she and her husband were in a car wreck. “According to a report filed by sheriff’s deputies, Crawford was not wearing her seat belt, but was wearing a charcoal-gray cashmere Donna Karan pullover, alligator penny loafers by Chanel and a Ralph Lauren 100% Chinese silk scarf. (Bob Mills)

Medical Records: Scientists have discovered the fossil remains of a man believed to be more than 3 million years old. “A carved stone receipt pried from the specimen’s gnarled fingers suggests that died while waiting to be seen at an early HMO.” (Mills)

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