LAUGH LINES

There’s Nothing We Hate More: President Clinton ordered airstrikes last week against Saddam Hussein because the Iraqi leader refused to honor his promise to comply with U.N. regulations. “And if there’s one thing Clinton can’t tolerate, it’s a government official who lies.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Out on a Limb: Activist Julia Hill recently celebrated her first anniversary of living in an ancient redwood to save it from loggers. “After living with the tree for a year, she now has insight into what it’s like to be Tipper Gore.” (Bill Williams)

Sing Along: Ex-Mouseketeer Darlene Gillespie was recently found guilty of committing mail fraud and perjury. “M-I-C . . . See ya in seven to 10.” (Axel W. Kyster)

Phone Static: MCI said it’s planning to cut 2,300 jobs. “I understand some employees already got a call, just when they were sitting down for dinner. . . ‘Good evening, sir. I’m from MCI. Can I please have a minute and a half of your time to fire you?’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

Going Postal: The Postal Service says that printing on red or green envelopes is hard for the sorting machines to read and results in slowed-down and misdirected Christmas deliveries. “OK, so what’s the excuse for the rest of the year?” (Gary Easley)

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