LAUGH LINES

Politics as Usual: Former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke plans to run for the congressional seat to be vacated by Bob Livingston. “That’s what Republicans need, another guy who spends all his time underneath the sheets.” (Jay Leno)

Now Entering the Ring: The next speaker of the House is expected to be Illinois Rep. Dennis Hassert, a former wrestling coach. “You’ve got a former wrestler now governor of Minnesota. Now a wrestling coach will be speaker of the House. It seems these days if you want to get into politics, it’s OK to hold, grapple and pin someone, just so long as it’s not a woman.” (Leno)

As Long as We’re Clear on This: The wife of Minnesota Gov.-Elect Jesse Ventura has said she’s worried about her role as the state’s first lady. “She added, ‘But let there be no mistake. My husband wears the purple tights in this family.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

Under the Tree: “Where did Bill Clinton’s favorite 1996 Christmas gift come from? ‘Santa’ Monica.” (Pete Silk)

Duh: Leaders of Russia, Germany and China were opposed to the bombing of Iraq. “Well, sure--they’re not the ones being impeached.” (Steve Voldseth)

No Contest: The International Olympic Committee faces charges that its members received bribes from cities wanting to host the Olympics. “What could Salt Lake City give ‘em? Tickets to ‘Donnie and Marie’?” (Premiere Radio)

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year: According to a study by the Screen Actors Guild, television today underrepresents minorities, women, seniors and the poor. “There was, however, one notable exception. The ‘Jerry Springer Show’ was found to accurately depict most families at the dinner table on Christmas Day.” (Bob Mills)

Talk Show Etiquette: The National League of Junior Cotillions, an etiquette and social training organization, named Jerry Springer “the most ill-mannered person of 1998.” “Obviously they have never seen the program, or the group would have named his guests.” (Gary Easley)

In Contention: “Saving Private Ryan” earned five Golden Globe nominations, including best drama, best actor and best director. “Also, best use of body parts, a category won last year by ‘Boogie Nights.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

That’ll Do, Pig: Fox has given the green light to a sequel to “Dr. Dolittle.” ’Hmmm, let’s see: a sequel about talking animals? Does the word ‘Babe’ mean anything to them?” (Premiere Radio)

Happy New Year?: “You know what we have to look forward to after partying like it’s 1999? Crashing like it’s the year 2000.” (Andrew Wisot)

Car Troubles: A new computer organizer can pick up your car’s remote signal and open and close the car door. “The downside is that on Jan. 1, 2000, your car turns into a very big and expensive lawn ornament.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.