Punch Lines

That Sinking Feeling: In New York, actual Titanic historical documents were auctioned off, including the telegram sent on April 12: “We’ve struck an iceberg--STOP--Am sinking--STOP--Boy, would this make a great movie--STOP.” (Jay Leno)

Titanic II: Another telegram read, “Help. They won’t stop playing Celine Dion’s ‘Titanic’ song.” (Conan O’Brien)

Love, American Style: Scientists at Rutgers University have just released a study identifying the three phases of love. “They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.” (Steve Voldseth)

Love II: A White House spokesman called President Clinton’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky “a very complicated story.” “Actually, the story isn’t complicated. Justifying it is.” (Daily Scoop)

Nagano Update: “Watching the Olympics makes you realize Japan is not that much different from Los Angeles. They like Godzilla movies, we like ‘Jurassic Park’ movies. They have sumo wrestlers, we have pro wrestlers. They have Benihana, we have O.J. Simpson.” (Leno)

Iraq Attack: Saddam Hussein has found the perfect hiding place from U.S. military action, a spot where no one will find him: “At the CBS Winter Olympics ratings party after the Games.” (Paul Ecker)

D-Day: President Clinton said he wants to visit Stanford for Parents Day this weekend. “This tells Hussein when we’ll attack. The only time Clinton goes to college is when there’s war.” (Argus Hamilton)

Birth News: Supermodel Elle Macpherson gave birth to a boy last weekend. Seven pounds, 8 ounces. “No word yet on how much the baby weighs.” (Voldseth)

Birth II: A Los Angeles woman has given birth to a boy, gestated from an embryo frozen seven years ago. “It’s the first use of 7-year-old eggs since the Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast.” (Leno)

Final Titanic Joke: “I finally waited and saw all the credits of ‘Titanic’ including this disclaimer: ‘No icebergs were harmed in the making of this film.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

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The Heavily Ginsu’d David Letterman:

Top 10 cool things about winning a gold medal . . .

2. The Canadian snowboarding team sends over some delicious homemade brownies.

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