Punch Lines

He Was in a Hurry to Find the Real Killers: The National Enquirer says O.J. Simpson was pulled over by the LAPD for speeding. “Simpson claims he is innocent, but said if he had been speeding, it was because he loved Nicole too much.” (Premiere Radio)

Monday Night Musical Chairs: Boomer Esiason is replacing Frank Gifford on “Monday Night Football.” “Gifford told reporters he wants to spend more time cheating on his family.” (Premiere Radio)

Cardinal Virtue: Pope John Paul II named 22 new cardinals. “They’ll report to Florida for spring training next month with the rest of the team.” (Olympia Daily World)

Arthroscopic Haiku: The nation’s first “poet in residence” at a major hospital says poetry is useful in medicine. “Unfortunately, most insurance covers only the first stanza.” (Jenny Church)

Orbiting Geezers: NASA will conduct important scientific studies when Sen. John Glenn returns to space. “Specifically, they want to know if Polident can remove Tang stains from dentures.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Deja Vu: Shirley MacLaine received a lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes. “It took a 10-ton truck to haul her awards to the banquet. She received one for each lifetime.” (Argus Hamilton)

Presidential Poll: A new study says 15% of the population is responsible for half the sexual activity in the U.S. “Of the 15%, all but one were women--and all their activity was with Bill Clinton.” (Sarah Johnston)

Stayin’ Alive: A federal study says Montana is the best place for a long, healthy life. “The good news is, the average 65-year-old there can expect 14 more years of good health. The bad news is, they have to spend it in Montana.” (Mark Wheeler)

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The Barely Edited David Letterman:

Top 10 ways the tobacco industry is marketing to teens:

10. Old name: Marlboros. New name: Bitchin’ Marlboros.

9. Replaced Joe Camel with those dreamy boys from Hanson.

8. New surgeon general’s warning: “Whatever, dude.”

7. Every pack now comes with a fully loaded Trans Am.

4. Flooded schools with new textbook: “Our Greatest Smoking Presidents.”

2. New slogan: “Hey, kids, it’s safer than crack.”

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