Punch Lines
Repentance: CNN and Time magazine apologized for their stories that alleged the U.S. used nerve gas on defectors in Laos in 1970. “And while they were at it, they also apologized for future erroneous, yet highly profitable, stories they will put out during future sweeps weeks.” (Jerry Perisho)
Her True Voice: According to Newsweek, Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton engaged in phone sex. “Newsweek also says Lewinsky told Ken Starr she will testify, but she wants immunity, and $3.99 for the first minute, and $1.99 for each additional minute.” (Jay Leno)
Service: A news report says police in Germany found the remains of a man who had been dead for four years sitting in front of his TV. “And here’s the sad part, 10 minutes after they took him away, the cable guy showed up.” (Steve Voldseth)
“A” Is for Apple: The National Education Assn. teachers’ union has rejected a proposal to merge with the American Federation of Teachers. “The head of the NEA explained, ‘We’re waiting for a gooder offer.’ ” (Premiere Radio)
Great Performances: The appearance of Howard Stern on “The Magic Show,” doubled the ratings, which had been plummeting steadily since the show’s debut. “Producers think they may be on to something. Next, they plan to hire Jack Nicholson to sit in the front row wearing dark glasses.” (Bob Mills)
The Biggest Hit: Yanni was the top-grossing pop music concert draw in the U.S. during the first half of this year. “Linda Tripp was the No. 1 recording artist.” (Premiere Radio)
Offers You Can’t Refuse: The federal government says the leader of a New York gang is selling Amway products door-to-door to cover his heroin distribution. “Buy two dime bags of heroin, and you get a lint remover absolutely free.” (Perisho)
Pay-Per-Crew: The Military Channel made its debut over the weekend. “Among its original programming is the comedy series, ‘Great Moments of the Iraqi Air Force.’ ” (Premiere Radio)
Mood Alterers: Researchers at MIT say they are working on a computer that can read human emotions. “It’s amazing. For instance, if you’re bored, the computer automatically turns off the World Cup match in progress.” (Argus Hamilton)
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