Punch Lines

Ringing in His Ears: Mike Tyson lost his temper and swore at boxing regulators who were deciding whether to reinstate the license Tyson lost when he bit Evander Holyfield in a match last year. “The panel came to a unanimous decision: Mike Tyson should be put to sleep.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Dressed to Kill: Sources say Monica Lewinsky has agreed to give prosecutors a dress that may contain physical evidence of a sexual relationship with President Clinton. “Washington hasn’t been this interested in a dress since the strapless evening gown J. Edgar Hoover wore on his 60th birthday.” (Kaseberg)

Old HMOs: “An Egyptian archeological team announced new findings. They say people who worked on the pyramids 45,000 years ago actually received medical care. Back then there wasn’t a Republican Party to stop it.” (Jay Leno)

X-Rated View: An Ohio man was arrested at a Cleveland Indians game last week on charges of aiming his video camera up women’s skirts at the hot dog stand. “If convicted, he could get up to eight years in the White House.” (Argus Hamilton)


Cyber Vegas: The Senate has voted to pull the handle on the billion-dollar Internet gambling industry on 140 World Wide Web sites. “The measure bans all gambling on the Net, including whether to shell out $100 for Windows 98 or wait for Windows 2000.” (Bob Mills)

Lord of the Ring: Renowned dancer Michael Flatley removed his dancing shoes to try his hand at boxing. “Makes sense. For every person who shelled out money for ‘Riverdance,’ there are twice as many contributing to the pot to watch the ‘Lord of the Dance’ get the crap kicked out of him.” (J. Biggins)

A Capital Plan: Democrats and Republicans in Congress have each introduced plans to control and restrict the practices of HMOs. “Does that make both parties HMOphobic?” (Gary Easley)

A Thought: “Looks like power-mad Ken Starr suffers from delusions of grand jury.” (Katherine Poehlmann)


Ticketless Travel: Macks Creek, Mo., a city known as a notorious speed trap, is about to declare bankruptcy after a recently passed law curtailed revenues from speeding tickets. “In a last-ditch effort to remain solvent, the town just installed new parking meters that accept only Krugerrands.” (Joshua Sostrin)

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