Punch Lines

Dance Fever: Kansas lawmakers recently made the polka the official state ethnic dance, and square dancing the official state folk dance. "Wonder what Kevorkian charges to kill an entire state." (Dennis Miller)

L.A. Law: O.J. Simpson is taking correspondence courses to become a lawyer. "Oh, man, just when the neighbors were getting used to living next door to a murderer." (Steve Voldseth)

Body Double: Two people were arrested in New York City for conspiring to sell organs from executed Chinese prisoners. "Police became suspicious when they noticed cab drivers sprouting two middle fingers on one hand." (Bill Williams)

Sein of the Times: A 30-second commercial on the final "Seinfeld" costs $2 million. "To pay for the spots, commercials will have to show commercials during the commercials." (Premiere Radio)

Forget 1492: Archeologists now believe that humans reached the New World three times earlier than previously thought. "They made the discovery after carbon-dating Sen. Strom Thurmond." (Bob Mills)

Cheap Thrill Pill: In a test program, 40 drugstores in Washington state will sell morning-after birth control pills without prescriptions. "Men can buy them in special gift packs with cards that say, 'Thanks. Maybe I'll call you sometime.' " (Jay Leno)

Human Catnip: A substance nicknamed Special K is the new drug of choice among club-goers. Intended as a cat tranquilizer, it causes euphoria and short-term memory loss, "so once it wears off, you have no idea who shaved your belly or why there's a big plastic cone around your head." (Miller)

Granite Gipper: A proposal to add Ronald Reagan's face to Mt. Rushmore may be premature. "It takes 25 years to get into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame, let alone Mt. Rushmore." (Bill Maher)

Bawk!: A report says 71% of chickens carry disease-causing bacteria. "The remaining 29% are crossing the road for a wide variety of Pint-Sized Punch Lines." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Kid Crime: A kindergartner was arrested for biting a teacher. "The 5-year-old was taken to police headquarters for a mug shot and finger-painting." (Joe Kevany)

Puck in a Box: The U.S. Olympic women's hockey team is on the cover of Wheaties cereal boxes. "Now you can have almost as many women joining you at the breakfast table as Charlie Sheen." (Mark Efman)


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