Off-Kilter

The Post-Mortem Man Always Rings Twice: Today’s installment of most bizarre facts we could find comes from Colors magazine, which devoted a recent issue to the topic of death:

* In Italian mortuaries, each corpse must be hooked to an electric buzzer by a cord looped around one thumb. The theory is that if the person somehow wakes up, his movement will trigger an alarm.

* Dead babies in Chile are buried with a pair of white wings--often made from chicken feathers--to help them soar to heaven.

* In the Philippines, 5,000 homeless families live inside crypts at Manila’s North Cemetery. Some of the tombs feature electricity and coffin-lid dining tables. Owners of the graves don’t seem to mind: The presence of living souls deters vandalism.

Barabbas 1998: In honor of Lent, Off-Kilter has decided to pardon one annoying celebrity from further torment in this column. In recent days, we have received pleas on behalf of several candidates. For example, after last week’s item on bad rock lyrics, two readers urged clemency for Neil Diamond. Upon careful deliberation, we are willing to concede that some of Neil’s tunes are catchy, but what about his clothes--the sparkly shirts, the hubcap-sized sideburns, the goofy hair? Sorry, no can do.

A second case was made for singer Kenny Loggins, whose overly revealing autobiography discusses everything from colon-cleansing to a quilt that his wife made from old panties. In his defense, supporters submitted glowing endorsements of his book by comic Paul Reiser and authors Marianne Williamson and Neal Donald Walsch. But Williamson is something of a New Age crackpot, and Walsch claims Hitler is in heaven. Also, we can’t exactly forget Loggins’ role in that bubble-gummish “Your Mama Don’t Dance” song from the 1970s. Verdict: Kenny stays on the annoying list--and we might have to add Reiser.

Finally, 14-year-old Emma White of Ojai sent a heartfelt defense of Hanson, the teen heartthrob pop group from Tulsa, Okla. Why mock a trio of hard-working, well-behaved youngsters? she asked. Hmmm. Good point. With deviants like Marilyn Manson on the radio, role models with the squeaky-clean image of Hanson should be encouraged, not satirized. So we hereby grant the flaxen-haired brothers a full, unconditional pardon. Well, unless radio stations don’t quit playing “MMMBop” every six minutes.

Penguin Prostitutes? South Pole scientists say they have observed male Adelie penguins “pay” for sex with hard-to-find pebbles and rocks that females need to build nests. According to the Internet news service https://www.tabloid.net, which quotes British press reports, some of these Antarctic hookers have even discovered that heavy flirting is enough to dupe male birds into parting with a precious stone.

Wacky Court Cases Inc.: A class-action lawsuit has been filed in New York against professional cannibal Mike Tyson and assorted cable companies, claiming that pay-per-view TV watchers should get refunds because Tyson’s snacking on Evander Holyfield’s ear ended the fight prematurely. Our favorite part, though, is the name of the plaintiffs’ Web site: https://www.boxinglitigation.com.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Savages Bag Helicopter! They Think Captured Chopper is a Huge Bird--and Are Even Trying to Feed It!” (Weekly World News)

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributor: Wireless Flash