Punch Lines

Yo No Quiero El Nin~o: It looks like we're in for some nice weather for a change. "In Malibu, the forecast calls for clear skies with only a 30% chance of scattered houses." (Steve Voldseth)

Terms of Impeachment: CBS says President Clinton will claim that he and Monica Lewinsky kissed, but didn't go further. "This little gem had to come from the same spin doctor who dreamed up 'didn't inhale.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

Spin Cycle: "The new 'Twister' ride at Universal Studios in Florida simulates the destructive force of a tornado so realistically that it was immediately surrounded by five trailer parks. For those of you unfamiliar with 'Twister,' it was the film where Helen Hunt co-starred with a giant, scene-stealing bag of wind. No, wait. That was 'As Good as It Gets.' " (Craig Kilborn)

Meter Make-Over: Washington, D.C., began a $25-million overhaul of its old and damaged parking meters. "City officials hope the new meters will stop people from illegally parking while they're buying crack and handguns." (Dennis Miller)

Disasters: A company is offering three-hour, $35,000 viewings of the wreckage of the Titanic. "This shouldn't be confused with the three-hour, $8 viewings of the wreckage of 'The Postman.' " (Voldseth)

Belated Grammy Joke: "The biggest commotion at last week's Grammys was caused by the pop group Hanson. They were getting grabbed, pieces of their clothing were being ripped off. Finally, they called a security guard and said, 'Look, keep Michael Jackson away from us.' " (Jay Leno)

Grammy II: Many of the female artists didn't shave under their arms. "Did you see Paula Cole, who got a Grammy for her song 'Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?' I don't know where all the cowboys have gone, but I swear I saw a couple of prairie dogs under her arms." (Leno)

Teach Your Children Well: U.S. educators are reeling from the low math and science test scores of American students. "We bombed in history, too. Over 90% of high school students think B.C. means Before Cable." (Argus Hamilton)

Where's the Beef?: Oprah Winfrey was cleared of charges she slandered the beef industry. "It's a good thing. Can you imagine how stupid we would look to the rest of the world if we let O.J. and Louise Woodward go free but threw Oprah in jail for insulting a cheeseburger?" (Leno)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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