Off-Kilter

We’re Under Arrest: We just don’t learn. Every time Off-Kilter runs an item involving numbers, we hear from the math police about some sort of goof in the story. Does that make us more careful the next time? Of course not. In fact, as we write, the building is surrounded not only by a SWAT team of math cops, but also by hair-replacement police, dog optometry deputies, grammar cops and the Shroud of Turin FBI.

Here’s why we’re in trouble:

* Jeffrey Scott Nuttall upbraided us for printing Mach3 contestant Phoebe Taymizyan’s complaint that she couldn’t compose a 50-word essay on the razor because an essay must contain “three paragraphs, each with eight sentences, plus a four- or five-sentence introduction and conclusion.” Nuttall says an essay is simply “a short literary composition dealing with a single subject” and that Taymizyan’s “rules” were probably “drilled into her head by a pompous English teacher who didn’t know what he was talking about.” But even if such rules did exist, that doesn’t make a 50-words-or-less essay impossible. Nuttall’s sample entry:

“Why give me the razor? Why not? Think. Who else?

“Gingrich? Too unpopular. DeLuise? He’s bearded. Gates? Too rich. Castro? Bearded.

“Shamu? Doesn’t shave. Darden? Bearded. Whipple? Doesn’t exist. Kenny Rogers? Bearded.

“Superman? Nonexistent. Napoleon? Picasso? Cousteau? Dead. Khomeini? Dead; bearded.

“Who’s left? Me. Give me the razor. Thanks.”

If we had any left, we would. A great essay.

* Next, Laurel Bentley of Hollywood wrote about our theory that gubernatorial candidate Al Checchi wears a toupee. Bentley insists the unnatural hairline is from hair transplant plugs. Could be. Either way, it’s creepy to look at.

* We also got a letter from Houdini, a German shepherd. This is our second note from a dog, but the first from one with e-mail. It said, “I was appalled by your statement that dogs are colorblind. Haven’t you been keeping up with the latest scientific findings?” Uh, no, we haven’t. But several humans also wrote to say dogs could see some colors. So we called Kathleen Boldy, a local canine ophthalmologist, who told us that although dogs’ eyes have the capacity to detect color, their brains perceive in black and white.

* Other readers had problems with our story on Shroud of Turin aficionados who believe DNA testing of blood from the alleged burial cloth of Jesus could prove the virgin birth--if the sample contained DNA only from the mother. It sounded plausible to us, but we’re about as clueless on DNA as the O.J. Simpson jury. Benjamin Natkin wrote: “If the DNA came only from his mother, it would be missing a Y chromosome. That would not only make the child female, but her mother’s clone. Could this be proof that God is a woman?” It just goes to show the folly of trying to apply science to a “miracle” that defies scientific explanation.

* Finally, tons of math police nailed us for mentioning a Miami man who claims to have collected donations of $50,000--one penny at a time--in just two months. That’s a penny per second, 24 hours a day, readers sneered. Said one: “He must be moving like a hummingbird on amphetamines.” We called the guy’s publicist, who said many donors gave more than a penny, and others set up collection cans around Florida. Still, 5 million pennies sounds suspicious. We should’ve done the math first.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: “Pet Lover Spanks His Tropical Fish to Keep ‘Em From Fighting! ‘In the Long Run, It’s Good for the Fish; They Learn to Behave’ ” (Weekly World News)

* Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.