Times You Shouldn’t Milk an Opportunity

A weekly roundup of unusual news stories:

Got Elephant Milk?: A Kenyan farmer was injured by an irate elephant after milking her as she grazed with her calf.

Peter Baraza, 21, crept up on the wild elephant and managed to pull nearly a pint of milk before the cow realized he was not her calf. The elephant tossed Baraza in the air and chased him up a tree. It then uprooted the tree with its trunk and waved it in the air with Baraza still clinging to the branches. The cow was finally distracted by a group of screaming women and Baraza was rescued.

Must-Sleep TV: A leopard sneaked into a house in northern India, climbed onto a bed and watched television before dozing off, the Asian Age daily reported. The owner of the house thought her 4-year-old son was referring to a TV wildlife documentary when he came into the kitchen and said there was a “tiger” in the room. Forest department officials later tranquilized the leopard with a dart pistol and carried it to a zoo.

Full Moon in Court: An Ohio man being arraigned via video turned the proceedings into an R-rated show by baring his buttocks to a female judge. Todd Ekmark, 30, reportedly dropped his pants in front of a camera after pleading innocent to a domestic violence charge.

Judge Barbara Watson said, “He probably thought he was out of camera range, so he mooned me and said, ‘This is for you, judge,’ and I said, ‘Well, this is for you.’ ” She jailed him for contempt.

Equal Rights for Apes?: Great apes may soon have some of the rights previously reserved for humans in New Zealand. Scientists and other monkey-rights activists have asked the parliament to grant the right to life to man’s closest relations: chimpanzees, bonobos, gorillas and orangutans.

The scientists argue that the apes are genetically very close to humans and should be spared from invasive experimentation or torture.

The Clinton Defense: A Wisconsin boy who stands accused of sexually assaulting a female classmate claims he was so aroused by talking about President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky that he might have inappropriately touched the girl, police said.

News McNuggets:

* A Colorado bandit has hit so many stores that he actually laminated his demand note, police said.

* The Caldor department store chain in Connecticut apologized after 11 million copies of an advertising circular showed two boys playing Scrabble with the word “rape” spelled out.

* A St. Louis radio station sparked a panic Tuesday by telling listeners to spend their old $20 bills before they turn into worthless paper at the stroke of midnight.

Wide World of Weird is published on Sundays. Off-Kilter appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.