Punch Lines

God Bless You: Scientists say they may be close to a cure for the common cold. “And, boy, is Kleenex nervous.” (Premiere Radio)

The B-Files: According to the National Enquirer, David Duchovny and his wife, Tea Leoni, are expecting a baby. “He says, ‘I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s not an alien.’ ” (Premiere)

The Clock Is Ticking: The big TV rumor that’s going around: Producers of “60 Minutes” are looking to hire younger reporters and correspondents. “I guess a lot of viewers have been tuning in and mistaking ’60 Minutes’ for ‘Tales From the Crypt.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Big Savings: Nike is reeling from the Asian economic collapse in the last month. “The company announced it’ll lay off 300 employees in Indonesia. So there’s a savings of $23 right there.” (Argus Hamilton)

National Declarations: The National Transportation Safety Board organized a meeting of airline officials to discuss handling disasters. “Among the disasters discussed: crashes, hijacks, the Spice Girls, the new ‘Hollywood Squares.’ . . .” (Jerry Perisho)

Double Trouble: “Saturday Night Live’s” season premiere drew three times as many viewers as Howard Stern’s show. “Stern’s really in trouble. He just hired Chevy Chase as his sidekick.” (Premiere)

Spank It!: And Finally, Lucy Lawless of “Xena: Warrior Princess” said she stopped reading her fan mail because she keeps getting letters from men asking her to wear boots and spank them. “And today Hercules said, ‘Pfft, tell me about it!’ ” (Leno)

Big-Bucks: Maxwell House will soon distribute Starbucks Coffee at supermarkets. “It’s a revolutionary move known as ‘one-stop-overcharging.’ ” (Stan Kaplan)

She-Devil: British au pair Louise Woodward is interested in becoming a lawyer. “Now, what is it exactly about going to heaven this woman doesn’t like?” (Steve Voldseth)

A Cut Above: A study shows that wealthy people receive special treatment from congressmen. “Another study showed the rest of us spend too much money on studies that tell us what we already know.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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