Punch Lines

Margin of Error: In a recent survey, people were asked if they feel manipulated by the media. “Sixty-seven percent said they won’t know until the poll comes out.” (LaMonte Laments)

Gag Gifts: The Lewinsky affair has spurred the sale of novelty items in Washington. “At first, those presidential kneepads were hot, but now the top seller is partisan blinders.” (Laments)

Did You Know?: October is National Sarcastic Awareness Month. “Oh goody, that’s the best news I’ve heard all minute.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Survey Says: “Good news for parents. A new survey conducted by Playboy magazine says the number of virgins on college campuses has doubled in the last two years. Of course, a lot of these students are using President Clinton’s definition of sex.” (Jay Leno)

Pot Quizzes: The Supreme Court OKd random drug testing of students taking part in extracurricular activities in an Indiana school district. “Members of a math team sued after not getting permission to study for the drug tests.” (Premiere Radio)

Gun Glut: Sales of handguns are at a 25-year low. “It’s comforting to know that street criminals finally believe they are packing enough heat.” (Gary Easely)

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The David Letterman Top 10

Top 10 NBA player demands:

10. Keep Marv out of the locker room.

9. Remove that silly “No choking your coach” rule.

8. Stop forcing us to live on an inhuman $12 million a year.

7. For the love of God, no more Shaquille O’Neal albums.

6. Acceptable to refer to any white player as “that white player.”

5. Get post office to stop mixing up our fan mail with NRA.

4. No Wednesday-night games so players can watch “Dawson’s Creek.”

3. Typewritten memo explaining why Utah’s team is the Jazz.

2. Woody Allen and Soon-Yi can no longer come to games--they’re just too creepy.

1. Bigger playing balls.

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