Punch Lines

Got the Blues: Have you seen the modern styling of Apple’s translucent blue iMac computer? “Not only can you use it to surf the Internet, but it doubles as a Bissell carpet cleaning machine.” (LaMonte Laments)

State of Appeal: The Paula Jones sexual harassment case against Bill Clinton was heard before a U.S. appeals court this week. “She’s got a shot. Everyone agrees that after that nose job, she’s finally appealing.” (Argus Hamilton)

Chucky Land: “What’s the only thing they could have done to make the new movie ‘Bride of Chucky’ even more obnoxious? Have 10,000 screaming kids running around while their parents get drunk on beer. They could call it ‘Bride of Chucky Cheese.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

Just One Taste: Pepsi Cola has unveiled its new $100-million “One” (for its calorie content) diet drink, which will compete with Diet Coke. “Already consumers are having problems with the name. How do you order a second One?” (Bob Mills)


Fat Cats: A conference of the American Dietetic Assn. in Washington has issued a warning that obesity is becoming an epidemic in both adults and children. “In fact, Newt Gingrich has gotten so fat that when he sits around the House, he really sits around the House.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Alice in Wonderland: Ken Starr’s wife, Alice, has finally spoken out on the controversy around her husband. Alice says the scandal hasn’t affected their married life. “Translation: Ken didn’t pick up any pointers from the president.” (Premiere Radio)

McCurry Who?: Former White House spokesman Mike McCurry said that President Clinton is “exasperatingly stupid” in his personal life. “At the White House, Clinton emphatically denied ‘ever having hired that man.’ ” (Premiere)

Spice of Life: “I think ex-Spice Girl Gerri Halliwell is taking her recently awarded U.N. Goodwill ambassadorship a little too seriously. She’s now insisting that everyone call her Boutros Boutros Spice.” (Steve Voldseth)


Feeling Her Pain: President Clinton returned to Washington on the seventh day of the Mideast peace talks. “Aides knew it was time to get him out of there. After 57 hours, they could tell he was on the verge of groping Madeleine Albright.” (Hamilton)

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