He Wasn’t Such a Smooth Operator

Crimes by hospital employees are, of course, not unknown. But a County-USC Medical Center worker is scheduled to be arraigned today in L.A. Superior Court in the case of an unusual theft--police say he took an operating table.

It was recovered at his residence. Incidentally, no one was on it when it was found (or when it was stolen).

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PLENTY OF GALL: In other health-related news, Elaine Chase won first prize in the Pet Rock Contest at the L.A. County Fair by entering her gallstones. Described as a dozen “yellow-green symmetrical stones no longer than a pea, each with little bumps,” they were removed from her body 15 years ago.

Even before she won her blue ribbon, Chase displayed the stones in a plastic case in her living room in Beverly Hills, next to a metal sculpture made out of screws and pins. The screws and pins were taken out of her shattered leg after her recovery from a skiing accident in Switzerland.

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JOB FERVOR: Having ruled out so many other sins, people throughout the Southland worship coffee these days. The signs are everywhere. You can find a United Methodist church in the San Fernando Valley that has a Supreme Bean coffeehouse and a former church in Orange that is now P.J.’s Abbey coffeehouse. There’s also the hip Holy Name Coffee Bar in the San Diego Mission (see photos).

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WHICH REMINDS ME: A friend of mine attributes the upsurge in roadway violence to the increase in coffee consumption among commuters (like the downing of those 20-ounce caffeine malts with whipped cream). Too many hopped-up drivers on the freeways. The other day I heard a commercial by a religious organization urging motorists to avoid road rage. And it was a United Methodist group. Perhaps instead of serving coffee, it’s time for churches to take the lead in urging carpools to assign caffeine-free people (if there are any) as designated drivers.

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HOW ABOUT SOME FIRST-CLASS TREATMENT? My tirade against businesses that require their clerks and cashiers to make sales pitches struck a chord with Jack Nelson of Culver City. He related this conversation with a postal employee:

Nelson: “I’d like to send this first class to Phoenix, please.”

Clerk: “When does it need to be there? Perhaps you want to send it Priority Mail?”

He: “No, I think first class will do.”

Clerk: “How much insurance do you want?”

He: “No insurance, thank you.”

Clerk: “The total comes to $2.25. For 75 cents more, I can send it priority. What do you say?”

He: “No thanks.”

Clerk: “OK . . . how many books of stamps do you need today?”

Nelson ended his note with a scream. Sudden thought: Let’s hope people don’t start going postal on both sides of the counter.

miscelLAny:

A recent article in some editions of The Times on St. Andrew’s Abbey in Valyermo--it’s a monastery, not a coffeehouse--prompted Addy Tatto of Pacoima to recall a craft show she attended there awhile back. “I was walking next to a large pond on the property,” she said. “I saw a sign at the water’s edge that said, ‘Please Do Not Walk on the Water.’ ”