The Good, Bad and Ugly Hall of Fame

Cal Ripken’s iron-man streak would have ended Wednesday under legitimate injury circumstances. That makes me ponder the following:

Which record is more tainted?

Mark McGwire’s substance-induced 70 homers? Or Ripken compromising his work ethic by acting like a common couch potato and ending his consecutive games streak because of laziness?

I finally came to the conclusion that we should use the Pete Rose/Hall of Fame plaque solution proposed by George Will--put both the good and the bad on the plaque for every shady character in the Hall:

Pete Rose--All-time hit leader/kicked out for gambling.

Orlando Cepeda--OK stats/drug smuggler.

Mark McGwire--70 homers/used substance banned in many other sports.

Cal Ripken--Iron Man/streak ended due to laziness.

Mickey Mantle--500 homers/drank too much.

Hank Aaron--All-time homer leader/not as good as Mays.

Willie Mays--600 homers/Mantle would have been better if he didn’t wreck his knee.

Babe Ruth--Greatest player ever/second worst human being ever.

Ty Cobb--One of the best hitters/worst human being ever.

Denny McLain--Won 31 games/racketeer, all-around no-goodnik.

Rod Carew--Won a gaggle of batting titles/couldn’t hit in the clutch.

Luis Aparicio--Above average/what the #%*$ is he doing here anyway?

Special Hall of Fame plaque commemorating Albert Belle--Best hitter of the ‘90s, not in the Hall because his spot was given to Mo Vaughn by the sportswriters/however if Belle would have been elected to the Hall (as deserved), he would have replaced Ty Cobb as worst human being ever.

Special Hall of Fame plaque commemorating Roger Maris--Set one of the greatest, most hallowed records in baseball history which saved the game in 1998 (years after his death), won two consecutive MVPs and many World Series/not good enough for the Hall, which is reserved for the truly great--like Don Sutton (gag).

On second thought let’s empty out the whole darn Hall except for . . .

Saint DiMaggio--The Yankee Clipper, 56-game hitting streak, married Marilyn Monroe, Mr. Coffee/the only decent human being who ever lived on the planet (as far as we know).

KARL FREITAG, Burbank