A Few Disastrous Ideas That Could Lure Clinton to the Cornhusker State

Clinton-Free Zone: In the wake of news reports that Nebraska is the only state President Clinton hasn’t visited while in office, residents there have been racking their brains for ways to lure him to the Cornhusker State.

Off-Kilter has obtained a top-secret memo from Nebraska’s governor outlining possible courses of action:

* Change name of state to Hooters.

* Convince White House that Omaha is an Indian word meaning “free fries with every order.”

* Presidents often visit states after natural disasters. Buy round-trip air fare for Hurricane Bret to travel here from Texas.

* Take advantage of the Hillary factor. New state motto: “Come to Nebraska. We’re 1,500 miles from New York and there are hardly any connecting flights.”

Newspaper Purple Heart: Just because Off-Kilter has never covered a war or riot doesn’t mean we haven’t taken enormous personal risks as a journalist. For example, while working at a San Diego County newspaper in the late 1980s, we had to cover a funeral at which mourners played a one-hour tape containing nothing but the song “Seasons in the Sun” by Terry Jacks--an event that required brief hospitalization and years of counseling.

More recently, we’ve put our life on the line exposing a worldwide animal conspiracy to overthrow the human race. The retaliation has included numerous threatening phone calls (usually angry barking or panting on the other end), and occasional bricks and cat toys thrown through our windows.

But we refuse to be cowed--even though the animals are now taking up arms. In Germany, for example, an unidentified dog shot and killed its 51-year-old owner last week. According to Reuters, the victim was found dead near his car, and police surmised the gun went off accidentally “when the dog jumped on it on the car seat.”

Nice alibi, von Fido.

In another sign of growing animal insubordination, the fur is flying over California’s plan to honor Ronald Reagan with a new license plate. Outraged animal leaders are demanding a plate to honor Reagan’s chimp co-star, Bonzo.

Couch Potato Research: Scottish scientists say a “laziness gene” might be responsible for some people’s reluctance to exercise.

We thought about writing a punch line to this but decided to take a nap instead.

Alarming Trends Bureau: An upcoming VH1 special will feature Dr. Ruth Westheimer singing a karaoke version of a Grateful Dead tune. We’ll be napping through this too.

Back to the Future: In a recent column about the joys of time travel, we mentioned the idea of a reverse overnight delivery service that would use the slogan “When it absolutely, positively has to be there yesterday.” Reader Bill Hill promptly sent a note saying “Saturday Night Live” used the same slogan in 1987, in a fake commercial for “Einstein Express.”

We’re not sure if we ever saw that skit, so here’s our theory: Either we did see it and the slogan lodged in our subconscious--or “SNL” also has a time machine and swiped it from us.

Best Tabloid Headline: “Amazing Boy Has 6 Fingers on Each Hand! ‘I Could Have Been the World’s Greatest Guitar Player,’ Says Teen” (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Ann Harrison, Nancy Wride, London Telegraph, Wireless Flash News Service, Allison Joyce. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.