You Thought You Were Sick of Him?

The editors of the Sports section chose not to divulge the reason for the recent extended absence of their football expert during the heart of the NFL season.

This left open endless possibilities, many of which were suggested by e-mails, obscene callers and letter writers.

* “You sent him back to school to learn to rite good.”

* Where do you think the Raider fans dumped the body?

* “I heard about that newspaper guy who ran off with Sharon Stone, but I didn’t know it was him.”

* He probably moved to St. Louis to become Georgia’s eighth husband now that she’s a real winner.

* “I don’t care where he went, just don’t bring him back.” Although unsigned, you have to figure there’s a good chance that any crayon-scribbled letter has been sent by Charger owner Alex Spanos.

* Tell the truth, he’s been waiting for The Times and Staples Center to work out a cooperative effort sponsoring his coverage of the city’s Arena League team.

* “You finally fired the moron.” With so many editors to pick from, it was hard to guess which one had been dumped until someone pointed out that the e-mail had been addressed directly to me.

* He vowed to not write again until San Diego won two games in a row.

Shoot, who would have thought the Chargers would have done it in this millennium? That’s right, I’m back. Merry Christmas--they didn’t fire the moron.

But the truth is, there were medical reasons for not being in the newspaper the past month.

And it’s at times like these when you learn what is important in life. Lying on a table while doctors and nurses made preparations for an angiogram--fill in your own heartless joke here--all I wanted to know was if any of these scalpel-wielding yahoos were related to Ryan Leaf.

Having someone stick a needle into your arm delivering a dose of radiation to take pictures of your heart while telling you he has been a lifelong Eagle fan--making him a certified loser--also does not instill confidence. I kept waiting for him to boo when the tests were negative.

I could tell you what it’s like to have a prostate biopsy too. It’s a lot like having to interview Marshall Faulk. I can’t imagine anything worse except maybe spending a night in Green Bay.

After more find-nothing tests, several physicians concluded this was the first known case of someone becoming sick from having to watch so many crummy NFL games in one season.

It’s not life-threatening, but doctors have suggested to take it easy.

On the Chargers? The 49ers? The Raiders?

No way. In the last three days in the San Diego Union-Tribune, the word playoffs has been used something like 25 times in the same sentence with the word Chargers. The Chargers haven’t even won as many games as they have lost and they think they are right up there with the Rams, Colts and Buccaneers. Now there’s a really silly sentence.

The Rams, Colts and Buccaneers are all better than the 49ers. For those of you who previously said, “not in my lifetime,” how are you feeling these days?

The Raiders have the same record as the Chargers. In my career, I’m not sure I have ever written anything harsher than that.

Three weeks to go in this farce, and isn’t it kind of ridiculous to call it a Super Bowl if the Rams and Colts are invited? The world champions have already been eliminated from the playoffs, and only because they played Brian Griese over Bubby Brister.

Of course I predicted that 14 weeks ago, after the Broncos’ season opener, and received a ton of angry e-mail from misguided fans, which caused the chest pains.

“I don’t understand why anyone would disagree with you, but in my professional opinion you can blame those letter-writers for endangering your health,” I think is the way I heard one doctor put it before the medication kicked in.

You do this job and you understand it’s a risky business. You listen to Councilman Mark Ridley-Thomas talk about football, the Coliseum and the Figueroa Corridor and there’s always a chance you will fall asleep, tumble from your chair and cut your head.

I’ve had Jim McMahon blow his nose on me and Elvis Patterson put a garbage bag over my head. Michael Ovitz told me I would never work in Hollywood again, which was not as troubling as what the parking attendant at the Bel-Air Country Club told me after taking the keys to my Ford Escort.

“We don’t see many of these around here--what is it?”

But you get over it, dismissing the blows to your self-esteem until your life passes before your eyes and a doctor breaks the devastating news: You may never get the chance to rip the Chargers again if you don’t take care of yourself. He also muttered something about a diet, and something he calls exercise, and pulled out his prescription pad. It was tough to read, but the best I could tell, he wrote, “Stop picking on Cade McNown.”

He also suggested reducing stress, although he asked me to tell Mike Ditka the next time I see him that he’s lost it.

The thing is, maybe it is time to be more positive, to be more pro-NFL, to be more reader-friendly. Working together we can all get back on track and watch Tampa Bay and Detroit collapse down the stretch without getting uptight. This would also be a good time for that first New Year’s resolution: “I will not disagree with anything written by The Times’ football expert lest I make him sick.”

St. Louis is the best team in football but will lose the NFC title game to Minnesota because that’s the way the football expert sees it. Jacksonville is overrated and vulnerable because Tom Coughlin is such a control freak, but the football expert picked the Jaguars to win the Super Bowl before the season began and undoubtedly he took those things into consideration.

Dallas is positively lousy, and if Mike Holmgren’s Seahawks can’t beat the Chargers, why continue the playoff charade? The New York Giants have already won for the last time this season, and you see, we can all agree on things like this without putting rancor to paper or firing off a biting e-mail.

Ah, it’s good to be back among so many friends with a fresh start. There’s no better feeling except maybe watching the Rams, Saints, Panthers and Bengals humiliate the 49ers and silence their insufferable fans.