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Why You Should Vote for Me, Al Franken

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Comedian Al Franken, star of the NBC comedy “Lateline” and author of “Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot” (Delacorte Press, 1996), has just released another book. This time, Franken jumps into the political fray as the nation’s fallen 44th president in “Why Not Me? The Inside Story of the Making and Unmaking of the Franken Presidency” (Delacorte Press). The following is an excerpt:

The Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist David Broder once wrote something to the effect that “anyone who’s willing to do what it takes to be president should be immediately disqualified.” And that’s why I want to be your president.

As a regular voter for most of my adult life, I have grown to share the average American’s disgust with “politics as usual.”

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Year after year, election after election, we’ve seen candidates prostitute themselves on the altar of special interests: corporate fat cats, six-figure lobbyists in Italian loafers, women, gays and the so-called disadvantaged. Is it any wonder that with each passing election we’ve witnessed lower and lower voter turnout as the public’s skepticism turns to cynicism, which leads to apathy and despair, which can cause sleeplessness, dry mouth and loss of sex drive? And that’s why I want to be your president.

The reason I’m running is very simple: to restore America’s lost faith in its leaders. Of course, the high-paid media pundits may say this claim is grandiose, that I’m not qualified, that I’m deluded or even seriously mentally ill.

But I think the American people know better. . . .

However, I am not perfect. No one is perfect.

Not my opponent, whoever that may be. He or she is just a man, like me. I don’t think the American public wants a president who has never had any problems. They want a president who can solve problems. And my wife and I have solved our problems time and time again.

Although a child of the ‘60s, Franni harbored some traditional views on the sanctity of marriage, views that I now share in principle. I admit that during the “Saturday Night Live” years, I caused pain in my marriage. Specifically, the sort of pain that might have been caused if I had been repeatedly unfaithful to my wife and spent a number of holidays and anniversaries away from home in the company of a series of mistresses.

When I decided to run for president, I knew there would come a time when I would have to address this issue. It’s become an unfortunate fact of life that anyone running for president in this day and age must not only present a compelling vision for the future of the country, which is time-consuming enough, but also expose his private life to the closest possible scrutiny.

With that in mind, I want to set a few ground rules for the forthcoming campaign. First of all, having already acknowledged “causing pain” in my marriage, I will not dignify with an answer any further questions concerning my past, present or future sexual behavior. This ground rule should not be regarded as an admission that I am currently involved in any improper relationships. It is simply my attempt to elevate the level of discourse beyond the tawdry obsessions of tabloid journalism.

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The second ground rule is much like the first ground rule. It is simply that I will not confirm or deny any reports of my involvement in any improper sexual relationships. Again, nothing about this ground rule should be construed as an admission of anything.

Third, I will not be drawn into a debate about what is or what is not a proper sexual relationship or, like I said, whether or not I’m having one. I’m just not going to talk about that.

Fourth, my facial expression while I am listening to other people discuss improper sexual relationships should not be construed one way or the other. Also, I would caution the media against employing body-language experts or voice stress tests in order to determine whether or not I’m having improper sexual relations. If you do, I will sue you.

The next ground rule is a little complicated, so please read it carefully. If at any point during my candidacy or my term in office, I am accused by a woman of having had improper sexual relations with her, my silence should be interpreted as a sincere belief that the woman in question is crazy or a skank or both, although it would not be appropriate for me to say so out loud.

Finally, listing these ground rules in no way precludes my coming up with more ground rules later. For example, here’s one: Former members of my staff who claim to have witnessed me in inappropriate situations with female members of my staff should be assumed to be disgruntled former employees with an ax to grind.

Here’s another one: If a woman says that I have distinguishing characteristics on my genitals, please don’t speculate or make jokes about what those distinguishing characteristics might be. For example, jokes in the form of “the distinguishing characteristic on Al Franken’s genitals is a birthmark in the shape of (blank)” would be a violation of this ground rule.

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There. Now that we’re clear, the campaign can proceed. May the best man win.

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Copyright 1999 by Al Franken Inc. Reprinted by arrangement with Delacorte Press, an imprint of Dell Publishing, a division of Random House Inc.

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