It’s Rodman’s World and Welcome to It, Lakers

Dear Dr. Buss, It’ll be cool to play for you, even if it’s for tip money for my croupiers, while those kids who were in grade school when I turned pro--except that one who was in kindergarten--get $10 million.

I know it’s not your fault, bro, it’s just the rules. Tell the guys I’ll be there for them 100%, once I actually get there, of course.

I know Jerry West is upset, but he needs to learn how to chill. Maybe we’ll take him out some night.

They’re saying I’ve just been trying to get more money, but that’s a lie. I’m just happy to finally play for someone who understands Dennis Rodman and will let me be myself.

Later dude,

Dennis

P.S. You sure you can’t throw in a place in Beverly Hills? North of Sunset, 10,000 square feet with an acre of grounds, masonry walls, a guardhouse, a pool and a guest cottage. I won’t tell anyone where I got it. I still got Pat Riley calling my people, you know.

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A Tale of Two Planets: And now, the Dennis Rodman Experience!

Laker history has been pretty tame until now. They’ve had a lot of good players, won a bunch of titles, hung up banners, retired numbers and made a lot of money.

They thought they were pretty famous too, but they ain’t seen nothing yet.

Well, actually they have.

If this idea wasn’t stupid enough, the one-and-only just gave them a two-week preview of what he might do with them, or to them, turning off most of them. Shaquille O’Neal, who co-sponsored this project, is described by friends in a “whatever” frame of mind. Minority owner Magic Johnson, who thought it was OK, just went on David Letterman’s show, said Rodman was “driving me crazy,” and recommended pulling the plug.

However, Jerry Buss is in too deep to quit, no matter how droll it gets. When he and Rodman finally met Wednesday, sources say, Dennis, whose agents tried for weeks to pry a movie deal out of Fox, asked for something under the table--a house, a piece of land, whatever.

This would have had NBA officials running around like Keystone Kops. It’s so far beyond the pale, in all the years of bending, twisting and shooting holes in the rules, no one has tried it. (David Falk did drive up Michael Jordan’s price to $30 million by threatening to take him to the New York Knicks and make a side deal with Sheraton, which owned them. How did Falk ever miss representing Rodman?)

Not that Rodman was out of moves, only good ones.

He made a pathetic attempt at a bluff on ESPN’s “Up Close,” saying he might go to Miami. He could--but not to the Heat, because Pat Riley has long since concluded Dennis wasn’t really ready to mend his ways.

(Otherwise, Rodman did his tired shtick, dragging “Up Close” down close to Jerry Springer level. If ESPN or, for that matter, Buss, cared about anything but ratings or wins, they’d get someone else, but we’ve been through that.)

Finally bowing to the obvious, Rodman scheduled his long-awaited news conference . . . for Monday . . . at Planet Hollywood in Beverly Hills. At least, this confirmed long-held speculation he is, indeed, on his own planet.

The Lakers, about to play back-to-back-to-back without Robert Horry and Travis Knight, would have preferred a Saturday announcement, but maybe Planet Hollywood’s banquet room was tied up.

On “Up (Way Too) Close,” Rodman said he needed the weekend “to put my mind at ease and at peace.” If that was true, or possible, it would be well worth it, but don’t get your hopes up.

Meanwhile, back on Planet Earth . . .

Buss, holding the line, could sign Rodman for an extra season at

$1 million, but he has more worries than that.

Despite his good manners in public, Jerry West hates this idea and just spent two of the harder weeks of even his notoriously high-strung life, trying to carry out his orders to see it through. If Buss feels like indulging himself in this one little disagreement with West, he has to understand West’s importance to this franchise.

Take the tension that just surfaced between O’Neal and Kobe Bryant. It may not be a “rift” or a “feud.” It may even be over, but who knows?

It took Johnson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar five years to go from coexistence to friendship. This is year three for Shaq and Kobe, and they’re only 26 and 20, respectively.

Because both dote on West, they can probably work this out over time. But make no mistake about it: West is the glue that holds Buss’ franchise together.

Assuming O’Neal and Bryant don’t come to blows and no one suffers permanent injury, physical or mental, a half-season of Rodman probably won’t burn the franchise to the ground, although you never know.

It has been an impressive, or rather, a depressive two weeks. Everyone is strung out and snapping out at each other--you can imagine how happy those ICM guys were to hear Rodman’s sister, Debra, had taken over for them--and Rodman hasn’t even put the uniform on yet!

It’s what Dennis does, and he’s the best there ever was at it. The Lakers are going for a walk on the wild side and it’s going to be, uh, different.

FACES AND FIGURES

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Nick Van Exel threw a pout when the coach went with someone else in the fourth quarter, only this time it wasn’t Del Harris but Denver’s Mike D’Antoni, as the Nuggets blew a 19-point lead in a loss to the Phoenix Suns. During one timeout, Van Exel sat on the press table until assistant coach Mike Evans asked him to join the huddle. Afterward, Nick ducked out on reporters and D’Antoni broke a toe, kicking a Gatorade cooler. Said D’Antoni: “Next time, I’ll have to throw something.”

Back to expansion status in Charlotte: Anthony Mason is out for the season. You wouldn’t want to call Derrick Coleman ($5 million a year, 14 points a game) a dog because that would be unfair to dogs. Glen Rice and B.J. Armstrong have their sights set on the Lakers. Now Coach Dave Cowens, the league’s lowest-paid coach at $675,000, says he’ll leave if he doesn’t get an extension at something closer to the league average of $1.5 million. “Let me tell you where I’m coming from,” Cowens said. “When I played in Boston, I would be one of those guys who you would say was loyal to the organization. I never tried to negotiate with the ABA or tried to get out of my contract so I could make more money. I never put their feet to the coals. Some guys did. And I think I got burned by the Celtics because I didn’t feel that way. And that’s how I feel now.” Cowens on signing Coleman: “Everything was so hurried in this lockout scenario, that all the signings took on a life of their own. So, a lot of general managers had to do a lot of things that they normally wouldn’t do and they didn’t have a lot of options. So, you know, things happen.” Comment: Next coach.

Not that the Lakers are in flux but: Charlotte’s Eldridge Recasner, after last week’s game, on the rumored trade: “When you’ve got guys from other teams saying they’ll see you in a week or two, that plays on people’s minds. Eddie Jones was talking to me about how he couldn’t wait to come to Charlotte. If he’s saying that, something must be up.” . . . The loss of Zydrunas Ilgauskas because of a broken foot--his third season off in the last four--proves once again if Cavaliers aren’t getting fat, they’re breaking bones or herniating disks. In 1989-90, Brad Daugherty sat out 41 games. In 1990-91, Mark Price 66 and Hot Rod Williams 39. In ‘93-94, Larry Nance missed 49 and Daugherty 32. Daugherty sat out the entire 1994-95 season too, while Price missed 34 games. Daugherty missed the 1995-96 season and Tyrone Hill was out 38 games. . . . Boston’s Andrew DeClercq, asked after the triple-overtime win over the Grizzlies about making a stumbling layup for the winning three-point play: “You must be from Vancouver. That’s how I shoot.”