Recalling ‘98’s Best, Worst, Stupidest . . .

Welcome to Only in L.A.’s annual Tournament of Oddities parade, honoring strange moments of the just-passed year.

STUPIDEST CRIMINAL TRICK: Two would-be burglars purposely drove their car through the plate-glass window of a Paramount business. But they drove in so far that they couldn’t back out. They were arrested on foot while rolling a couple of chrome-plated tire rims down the street.

RUNNER-UP: During a court hearing on a burglary charge in L.A., an inmate ate his wristband, then claimed he was not the defendant in question. The court didn’t swallow his story.

WORST SINGLE-CITY INSULT: The Weather Channel’s Web site attacked mild-mannered Ontario (see accompanying). The cable channel blamed it on a (bad) computer glitch.

WORST MULTI-CITY INSULT: A judge ruled that Huntington Beach police had the right to stop and question an apparently intoxicated bicyclist who was carrying an ax. A police report said that the defendant, when asked if he knew where he was at the time of arrest, indicated he was “reasonably sure he was either in Long Beach or Bakersfield.”

WORST CHRISTMAS CAROL DELUGE: The News-Enterprise of Los Alamitos reported that just before midnight on Christmas Eve, a La Palma resident phoned police to complain about “people singing loudly in front of her house who would not stop when asked.”

BEST TARDINESS EXCUSE: One individual who could in good conscience cite monkey business as the reason for his tardiness was Manuel Mollinedo, the L.A. Zoo director. He was a day late delivering a report to the City Council because zoo officials were occupied with a gorilla that had left its enclosure and refused to return for more than two hours.

THE ZOO HAD ROOM: A charter member of the Long Beach Aquarium of the Pacific declined to attend a preview showing because officials refused to allow her to bring her pet monkey.

STRANGEST DISASTER--AN ARMANI SLIDE! It was the Year of El Nino (see photo by Aaron Landworth). One Valley clothing firm ran an awkwardly written ad that said “the closing of our Orange County warehouse, and terrible El Nino storms, has caused an overflow of the finest Italian clothing.”

STRAIGHTEST SHOOTER: In one mailing to voters, L.A.-area Assembly candidate Herb Wesson included a bullet shell symbolizing “the violence that infects our community.” He was elected.

GREATEST DEVELOPMENT IN THE HISTORY OF JURY DUTY: Several courthouses in L.A. County banned the showing of TV’s “Jerry Springer” show in jury waiting rooms to avoid the possibility of spectators starting fistfights.

MAYBE THEY SHOULDN’T EAT IN THEIR UNIFORMS: The L.A. County Sanitation Districts snack bar in Whittier was shut down by the county for two health violations, including vermin infestation.

WHERE THERE’S SMOKE THERE’S ART: During the One Hundred Urns auction in Long Beach, spectators were invited to bid on artworks as they were being created. Those paintings that did not draw an offer of at least $15 were destroyed in a controlled burn outside the building. About half the art--more than 50 pieces--went up in flames.

WORST COPY-EDITING HANGOVER: James Cooper sent along a wine ad (see accompanying) that must have been composed by someone who had had too much the night before.

MOST MISGUIDED SAFARI: Two tourists from Germany arrived at Le Parc Suite Hotel in West Hollywood, loaded down with camping gear. They thought their travel agent had booked them at a park site. The trekkers decided to stay anyway and watch the wildlife gather around the swimming pool.

WORST ATTEMPT TO PUT THE BYTE ON PASSERSBY: A panhandler in downtown L.A. held up a sign that read “www.50.com.” No one was observed downloading any change for him.