LAUGH LINES

Setting Limits: U.S. warplanes bombed an Iraqi anti-aircraft unit in the no-fly zone last week. “President Clinton didn’t flinch one bit. He’s been very disciplined ever since the Oval Office was declared a no-fly-open zone.” (Argus Hamilton)

Word to the Wise: Barbara Walters interviewed Monica Lewinsky and says she found the former White House intern quite charming. “President Clinton has a cute way of putting it: ‘She’ll charm the pants off you.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

Sweet Talk: A Ukrainian candy factory has come out with a new chocolate-covered candy officials say was inspired by Monica Lewinsky. “I believe they’re called Mmmm & Mmmms.” (Steve Voldseth)

Look, Up in the Sky: Russia is developing a new, cheaper space shuttle. “The good news is, it’s smaller and costs far less than U.S. space shuttles. The bad news is, it’s a reconverted Yugo.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

All Aboard: Amtrak has named a new president. “In a show of solidarity with his engineers, the new guy tipped over, rolled down an embankment and fell into a ditch.” (Jay Leno)

Static on the Line: MCI announced plans to cut more than 2,300 workers from its payroll. “However, the long-distance company refuses to call it downsizing. Officials prefer the term ‘job forwarding.’ ” (Hamilton)

One for the Books: The Minnesota Vikings set a record this season for scoring more than any other NFL team. “The record for scoring in all of sports, though, still belongs to Wilt Chamberlain.” (Perisho)

Send for Help: “Patch Adams” was No. 1 at the box office after Christmas. “How fitting: A doctor helps Universal overcome its sick showing this year.” (The Daily Scoop)

Here They Come: Aggressive fire ants are spreading into the Southland. “According to entomologists, they’re mean, they bite and they have no respect for zoning laws.” (Joe Kevany)

Tough Times: The California orange crop was hit hard in the cold snap that gripped the nation. “The same thing happened to the state’s orange crop back in 1990. All in all, it’s been a lousy decade for O.J.” (Hamilton)

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Michael Feldman’s

Sure Things to Happen in ’99

* Robin Williams will star in a film called “the feel-good movie of the year.”

* President Clinton is doing something right now that will result in the expansion of Ken Starr’s mandate.

* After cloning nine identical cows, the Japanese will clone nine identical dairy farmers, their nine identical wives and 36 identical children, none of whom will want to stay on their identical farms.

* Due to the Y2K glitch, the artist formerly known as Prince will party like it’s 1899.

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