Heirs To The Air

Can anyone replace Michael Jordan? A look at some who surely won’t and some who might:

NO CHANCE

* Patrick Ewing--Nice job representing the players, Patrick. Also, could you whine a little more about NBA salaries? Fans love that.

* David Stern--C’mon David, you know you want to be the man. You know people haven’t given you your proper due for making the NBA the all-powerful league it was. You know that offering exhibition games free to the public was your way of making yourself look good to the fans. But the lockout killed you. You are the new Bowie Kuhn.

* Dennis Rodman--OK, he gains points for marrying Carmen Electra. But most fans can’t identify with a cross-dressing, Barnum & Bailey wannabe. Now, if he wants to be the next Hulk Hogan, he has a chance.

* Charles Barkley--He’s too old and opinionated. He’s like a friend you haven’t seen for five years. You’re happy to see him again at first, then you realize why it has been five years between visits.

* Any Clippers--Self-explanatory.

* Scottie Pippen--Hey, try winning a title without Jordan now. You’ve won zero without him. That’s the same number the Clippers have won.

* Latrell Sprewell--However, if he chokes every other player, then he has a chance.

* David Robinson--Let’s check your resume, Admiral. Hmm, you’ve never won an important game in your life. Fans in San Antonio are showing more interest in Tim Duncan than you. However, you are the Spurs’ career leader in several categories. Isn’t that like being the valedictorian of summer school?

POSSIBLE SUCCESSORS

* Shaquille O’Neal--He has positioned himself well by helping end the lockout and sacrificing some of his future salary to do so. Now he needs to put together some dominating 40-point, 20-rebound games. Also, he needs to stop making really bad movies (remember “Steel”?) and music videos.

* Grant Hill--He looks good because he is one of the few star players not heard from during the lockout. His biggest drawback is his personality, which can be as bland as dry toast.

* Magic Johnson--Hey, Jordan’s retirement must have Magic thinking of coming back. He must be thinking “The Lakers need a veteran point guard, I need to erase the memory of my talk show . . .”

* Kobe Bryant--He has the best chance because the league and NBC will ram him down our throats as “The Next Michael.” But remember last year’s All-Star game and the deep freeze his game went into thereafter? He’s not ready.

* Karl Malone--He could take over for Jordan in Southern California because his playing will keep him from doing that awful radio show.

* God Shammgod--Who else can replace an outgoing god?

* No one--The overwhelming favorite. Michael Jordan is the greatest player in NBA history and no one can take over for him. And that’s the bottom line.