Tune In: President Clinton’s trial is being...

Tune In: President Clinton’s trial is being televised. “With ‘Seinfeld’ off the air, we need another show about nothing.” (W.T. Horn)

Survey Says: “Polls about the Senate impeachment proceedings have found 20% of the public want President Clinton removed from office, 29% want him to stay, and 51% want Disney to fix the lousy animatronics they did on Strom Thurmond.” (Jerry Perisho)

Cash and Carry: President Clinton announced the government had a record $76-billion surplus. “A lot of Democrats were urging him to spend that money on aid to unwed mothers. Or, as Clinton calls it, ‘hush money.’ ” (Jay Leno)

From the Sports Desk: The Baltimore Orioles may go to Cuba in March to play an exhibition game against the Cuban national team. “It’ll be this year’s Cuban defectors against next year’s Cuban defectors.” (Leno)

Loose Change: European Union countries adopted a new currency, the Euro, this month. “In a setback, some Eastern European countries mistakenly adopted the Yugo as their currency.” (Michael Feldman)

At Long Last: The NBA season will open Feb. 5. “Enjoy the moment, Clippers fans. It’s going to be February and your team is tied for first place.” (Perisho)

True Confessions: Cher admitted to a London newspaper that she has had plastic surgery. “You could’ve knocked me over with a feather.” (Leno)

No Bones About It: But Cher denied she had a rib removed to make her waist smaller. “She said she had a rib removed so scientists could make Calista Flockhart.” (Conan O’Brien)

What a Guy: William Shakespeare was named Britain’s man of the millennium. ‘After all, he did write that really cool Leonardo DiCaprio movie.” (Zack Taylor)

Roll Tape: Disney has recalled videotapes of “The Rescuers” with two frames of a naked woman. “It does lend a whole new meaning to the title of the sequel, ‘The Rescuers Down Under.’ ” (The Daily Scoop)

And Now for Something Completely Different: Prince Edward has announced he is marrying his longtime girlfriend this summer. “For their honeymoon they plan to go someplace no English couple has ever gone before. The dentist.” (Leno)

So Close and Yet So Far: Researchers in Japan say that drinking beer can prevent cancer, while doctors in New York say drinking a moderate amount of vodka can prevent strokes and heart attack. “Can you imagine how unhealthy Boris Yeltsin would be if he weren’t an alcoholic?” (Leno)

Blissed Out: According to the British medical journal the Lancet, people on Valium are 300% more likely to be in car wrecks. “But the good news: They don’t care!” (Leno)

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