What’s Ahead? Here’s a Preview

Did you see the new NBA schedule? It’s Spam-tastic.

A little of this, a little of that, all rolled up into a gelatinous little square.

Either you love it, or you can’t even look at it.

First thought: Oh, so now the league lets the Clippers play host to the Chicago Bulls on a Sunday.

Second thought: The Lakers aren’t going to need all 50 games to win their fans back, they can do it in the first three; home against Houston and Utah, on the road at San Antonio.

It’s a schedule that looks like a Kobe Bryant playoff jump shot, bouncing and clanging from point to point.

In late April, the Clippers play eight games in 12 days, six at home, a stretch that should turn the Sports Arena into the aromatic equivalent of an old Stojko Vrankovic shoe.

The Lakers take a March trip to six cities in nine days--Sacramento, Minnesota, Cleveland, Philadelphia, Orlando and Dallas. Or, approximately 20% of the teams that wanted nothing to do with Elden Campbell.

Some scarlet-letter dates:

Feb. 5, Lakers play host to the Rockets:

The season opener at the Forum. Scottie Pippen’s first game with his new team.

He refuses to come off the bench in the fourth quarter when it is explained that he actually has to take the potential game-winning shot. Charles Barkley takes the shot, misses it, then throws Pippen through the Forum Club window.

Feb. 5, Clippers play host to Phoenix Suns:

With an old Ford behind the bench and the No. 1 overall draft playing for an Italian lunch meat--Lebanon Bologna?--the Clippers attract an ABL-record crowd for their opener.

Lorenzen Wright, whom the Clippers promise to trade once they can find a general manager who remembers he’s still in the league, is held scoreless in place of Michael AWOL-okandi.

Darrick Martin is named the starting point guard when the Clippers fail in their last-ditch attempt to sign Red Klotz.

Feb. 7, Lakers play host to Jazz:

Karl “The Brick” Malone returns to the site of his sports-talk radio fame, and is greeted by a standing ovation from his show’s listeners.

Both of them.

Feb. 7, Clippers play host to Bulls:

Now that Michael Jordan has retired, at halftime the Clippers hold a contest to find somebody else to feature in their newspaper advertisements.

The finalists include Grant Hill, Larry Brown and Shaquille O’Neal.

The winner is a stapler.

Feb. 14, Lakers play host to Indiana Pacers:

This is the first meeting between two teams that could be destined to meet again for the NBA championship.

The Pacers worked together during the lockout. The Lakers wouldn’t even work together after the lockout.

But, hmmmm . . . Rick Smits or Shaq . . . Rick Smits or Shaq . . .

After playing to a regulation tie, both teams are so exhausted, they agree to decide the game with a bad-hair contest.

The Lakers send out Kobe “Mod Squad” Bryant. The Pacers counter with that little-rascal-looking Sam Perkins.

Larry Bird beats them both.

Feb. 16, Clippers play host to Vancouver Grizzlies:

This is the scheduled debut of Michael AWOL-okandi, just back from Italy after his $1-million agreement there ended a day earlier.

It is his misfortune, however, to start against Bryant “Incredibly Big Country” Reeves, who apparently spent most the lockout at the business end of a corn dog.

Every time the 400-pound Grizzly center leans on AWOL-okandi, he thinks of bologna, and eats him alive.

Feb. 19, Lakers play host to Spurs:

With newcomers Steve Kerr, Mario Elie, Antonio Daniels and Jerome Kersey, the Spurs swagger into the Forum with a blaze of two-word hype.

Stronger guards. Better shooting. More depth.

To all this, the Lakers smile, and counter with two words that give hope to all Spurs opponents.

David Robinson.

March 26, Lakers play host to Sacramento Kings:

This is the first Forum appearance this year for Chris Webber, who has been in more Laker rumors than Del Harris’ pink slip.

At least, it is supposed to be.

Five minutes before tipoff, Webber is put on the injured list after cutting himself while shaving horizontally across the top of his neck.

March 28, Lakers play host to Knicks:

This is the Forum fans’ first chance to welcome back Latrell Sprewell to the league, as well as check out the latest fashion for NBA coaches.

Debuted by the Knicks’ Jeff Van Gundy, intended for use during winter and spring months, it is a designer neck brace.

April 5, Lakers play host to Denver Nuggets:

This second half of a day-night doubleheader with the Dodgers’ season opener also marks the return of Nick Van Exel to the Forum.

Del Harris uses this opportunity to debut his designer neck brace.

April 13, Clippers play host to somebody:

Is it New Jersey? Or is it Philadelphia?

We haven’t cared a whit about a Clipper game in April in years. Even with the abbreviated schedule, we aren’t going to start now.

May 5, Lakers play host to Portland Trail Blazers:

Lockout? What lockout?

Fans fill the Forum for the regular season finale, offering a rousing send-off to the team with the best record in the NBA.

The empty nights of November and December are forgotten. The rhetoric of Billy Hunter and David Stern is forgotten.

That silly white muff worn on the head of Shaquille O’Neal on the morning of the labor agreement is forgotten.

The Lakers are storming to the playoffs, and the entire town is storming with them.

Of course, laughs new Commissioner David Falk, sitting courtside. Of course.

*

Bill Plaschke can be reached at bill.plaschke@latimes.com

* MARK HEISLER: Settling the lockout created an unsettling week for players and fans. Page 5

* HE’S A SUN: Tom Gugliotta agreed to a six-year, $58.5-million deal with Phoenix. Page 6

* STILL A LAKER: Eddie Jones, reportedly offered in a trade, won’t have to pack his bags. Page 6

* PAIN IS INEVITABLE: An injury wasn’t going to stop Maurice Taylor from impressing his new coach. Page 6