In Sports, Adults Can Be Kids’ Worst Enemy

My daughter Katie, an accomplished soccer player, tried out for a team that had only a few open slots. After dozens of kids tried out, the final selection came down to a choice between Katie and another girl--who got the position. I had no problem with that, having assumed that the other girl was a better player. But when the choice was explained to me, I was told essentially that she and Katie were of equal ability.

So why the other girl? Because, I was told, I have a “commitment issue”--meaning that I “unfortunately” have to work and therefore don’t get to come to all the games. You get the idea: My priorities were in the wrong place. When I thought about the commitment issue comment, it felt like a knife in my heart. But was it correct?

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The first thing I did was ask Katie if she minded my not coming to all her games. We’d actually had this conversation before and together had determined which of her games she most wanted me to attend. So when she insisted that she didn’t care about my absence, I wasn’t surprised. “You know, Mom,” she said, “I actually kind of like it better when you’re not there. Sometimes I feel like it’s too much pressure when you are.”

Ah, pressure. Anyone who has a child involved in organized sports has seen red-faced parents yelling themselves hoarse, exhorting their kids to play harder, run faster and jump higher. Some of them are so outrageous that they take the fun out of the game for their kids and actually end up making them quit entirely. One editor I know told me that his niece instructed her father not to come to any of her basketball games; he was too intense. While I’m certainly not that bad, I do know that I’ve had to tone down my expectations so as not to make either Katie or my younger daughter, Perrie, uncomfortable.

I think this is the crux of the matter. Parents of my generation have seen vast changes in the world since we were our children’s age. Everything seems more dangerous now. There are more temptations, more ways to get in trouble. One article I read recently noted that fewer kids than ever ride bikes. The reason, apparently, is that we parents are afraid of real and imagined dangers in the streets. So we structure our children’s play time, where in the past children did that themselves.

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One result is that children are more obese than ever, since by the millions they’re camped in front of computers and TVs and not out riding and playing in the streets. Meanwhile, those kids who do play sports of some kind often become pawns in an adult game; their competitive parents insist on their being the best at everything. I do not remember any of my friends facing the same competitive pressures that kids today regularly face. When we were young, sports were games. Today, sports are seen as practice for being a winner in life. That’s why many teams practice two and three times a week, leaving the kids little time for just living and playing.

What’s needed is a little perspective and a little balance. On one hand, we parents owe it to our children to encourage their participation in sports and athletics. Not only do their bodies need physical play to stay healthy, but girls who play sports are less likely to get pregnant early and do drugs and more likely to do well in school; boys also do better in school and in general get into a lot less trouble.

On the other hand, we must not suck the joy out of their play by conveying the message that the number of goals they score, baskets they sink or home runs they hit will determine their destiny. What kids need to know is that we value their participation and honor their effort. If we do that, we foster a love of play that will last a lifetime, and the rest takes care of itself. And that’s a commitment we can all live with it.

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Copyright 1999 by Kathy Smith

Kathy Smith’s fitness column appears weekly in Health. Reader questions are welcome and can be sent to Kathy Smith, Health, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. If your question is selected, you will receive a free copy of her new video, “Kickboxing Workout.” Please include your name, address and a daytime phone number with your question.