Setting Example Guides Kids’ Behavior

Do you get an argument every time you ask your child to do anything?

Give in to your children to stop the whining and teasing?

Say “Stop that” or “That’s enough” more than six times a day?

These are among questions posed on the jacket of “How to Behave so Your Children Will, Too!” The author, Sal Severe, who chairs the psychological services department for a school district in Arizona, promises, “If you said yes to any of these . . . this book will save your sanity!”

Winner of a Parents Choice Award, “How to Behave . . . “ (Greentree Press, 1998) has as its basic premise: Parents must examine their own behavior if they want to improve their children’s. (Yes, kids do as you do, not as you say.)

“Unsuccessful parents are inconsistent,” says Severe, who has worked extensively with children with emotional or behavioral disorders and their families. “They procrastinate. They give warnings but do not follow through. They say things they do not mean. They punish in anger.”

In contrast, “successful parents say what they mean and mean what they say. They use punishments that teach, not get even. They have proactive strategies for managing tantrums, disobedience, fighting, arguments and power struggles.”

Real parents with real problems--parents who have been in Severe’s workshops--have contributed anecdotes about misbehavior as well as good and bad ways of dealing with situations ranging from a toddler screaming for candy at the supermarket to a teenager skipping school.

Severe’s bread-and-butter advice is solid stuff presented with a dollop of humor. A few words of wisdom from Severe, who is the father of three:

* “If you lie about your 12-year-old’s age to avoid the extra price of an adult ticket, you teach your child that lying is OK.

* “If you get angry at your children, you can expect them to get angry at others.”

* “If you yell something obscene at someone who takes your parking place, you teach your children to use obscene language.”

Severe emphasizes that “discipline and punishment are not the same,” that only discipline teaches responsibility and decision-making. “Discipline means teaching children to control themselves.”

If your child misbehaves constantly, the author believes, it is because he has not learned appropriate ways of getting his way. Too often, he observes, children get what they want by acting up. By giving in, Mom and Dad buy a few moments’ peace, but, Severe cautions, they’re setting themselves up for future trouble.

Too many parents simply react, rather than plan, Severe says.

“Planning makes use of the only advantage we have over our children: experience. We are not more intelligent. They have more time and certainly more energy.” An example of preplanning? Laying down the rules about playing video games before a family visit to the pizza parlor.

Expect good behavior, Severe counsels. Reward good behavior, not bad.

“Bribery makes children obnoxious,” Severe says. “Some circumstances in life are unpleasant. We need to face these events without a Twinkie on our lips.”

So your little darlings have been absolutely wretched all week? You’re not alone, Severe says. “All children can be divided into two groups: hard to raise and harder to raise.”

For a free one-year subscription to Severe’s newsletter, Parenting Today, write to Dr. Severe’s Newsletter, Free One Year Subscription, P.O. Box 27672, Tempe, AZ 85285-7672.

For more reviews, read Book Review

* This Sunday: Herbert Gold dives into Carolyn See’s “The Handyman,” and Naomi Glauberman looks at Kevin Baker’s “Dreamland.” Plus, Robert Christgau on the Grateful Dead.