Being a Lawyer, He’s Surely Been Called Worse Things

Soon to be an episode on “Ally McBeal”:

In the USC law alumni magazine, contributor Mike Young mentioned a classmate’s article in a legal publication that criticized an appellate lawyer. Added Young: “Don’t worry, Mr. Appellate Lawyer, I’m sure none of the justices, or their clerks, or their spouses, or their mothers, or their friends, or their former law partners read the article; and even if they did, ‘ignoramus’ is not really that strong of a word.”

O.C. FILE: So where would a cannibalistic space alien with removable ears choose to settle down?

In Costa Mesa--at least on last Sunday night’s episode of “X-Files.” Yes, the weirdo actually chooses Harbor Boulevard over Hollywood Boulevard.

The creature works at a fast-food stand called Lucky Boy, where a would-be customer becomes one of his meals.

Before the humanoid can discover the delights of South Coast Plaza, though, Scully and Mulder burst into his apartment and gun him down. The ending would have packed more drama if the two agents had been accompanied by a Chihuahua who said: “Drop that chalupa!”

A BRIEFS LOOK: Something I never thought I’d find on sale in the Nixon Library and Birthplace in Yorba Linda: an illustration showing Richard Nixon in his briefs. It’s in the book “Richard M. Nixon and His Family Paper Dolls,” by Tom Tierney. And it includes various costumes that can be superimposed over the cutout dolls of the late president and his family. Historians agree that he didn’t really put on his street shoes before his suitpants (see accompanying).

NO BOUNCING OUT OF THIS BED: Jon Roe of L.A. found a mattress that would seem to be aromatic but possibly a bit too firm (see photo).

R-RATED PHONE BOOK? The subject heading of a page of Pacific Bell’s South Bay directory caught the eye of John Holly of Palos Verdes Estates--and how could it not? (See accompanying). With all the competition in that industry, are phone books becoming a bit saucier?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Some morsels from the new guidebook “Hungry?--A Guide to L.A.’s Greatest Diners, Dives, Cafeterias and Coffee Shops” (Really Great Books):

* L.A. County Criminal Courts Building cafeteria, Temple Street: “You have to pass through metal detectors to get in the door, so no packing of heat if you dine here.”

* LAPD Revolver and Athletic Club Cafe, Academy Road: You can see “target practice during your meal, if you’re lucky. Jack Webb memorial display in front room of coffee shop.”

* Original Pantry, Figueroa Street: “Ask for the Pantry brochure. . . . It has great info like how many cows are sacrificed for your eating pleasure.”

* Philippe the Original, Alameda Street: Coffee is 9 cents.

* Astro Family Restaurant, Fletcher Drive: “Big on the astrology vending machines and other novelty type gadgets.”

* Highland Grounds, Highland Avenue: “Entertainment nightly. Rumor has it that Beck got his start here.” (Beck is a singer; not a chef.)

* Thailand Plaza, Hollywood Boulevard: “Known as the place that Kevin (the Thai Elvis) made famous.”

I also was excited to learn about a TV Cafe on Olympic Boulevard. Alas, it has just seven sets, all on the wall. I’m still looking for the ideal eatery for my family: one with a TV set in the booth.

Make that four TV sets.

miscelLAny:

The Blaze Co., whose trademark is scorched stationery, sent out matchbooks and boxes of matches to publicize a fund-raiser . . . for L.A. Fire Station No. 63 in Venice.