Founding Fathers Never Envisioned Life, Liberty and Pursuit of Hairiness

1776 Revisited: All that lofty stuff about “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” sure sounds good on paper, but we’re beginning to think the Declaration of Independence went way overboard in assigning humans “certain unalienable rights.”

In hindsight, it’s clear that Thomas Jefferson should have written “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness except for the following (this is a partial list): wearing black socks with Bermuda shorts, creating artwork featuring those kids with the giant puppy-dog eyes, driving 55 mph in the fast lane (especially when you leave the turn signal on), using the phrase ‘you da man’ and/or trying to create the world’s largest hairball, which we, the Founding Fathers, frankly find disgusting and not at all in keeping with the foundations of a democratic republic.”

Or words to that effect.

As it is, there’s nothing anyone can do to stop Texas barber Bill Black’s campaign to construct the planet’s biggest hairball using leftover swatches of human hair. Already, the fuzzy atrocity is the size of a pickup-truck bed.

The 54-year-old Austin barber says he launched the project as a way to publicize the various alternative uses for clipped human hair, such as fertilizer for plants and a more manly chest for Austin Powers.

Black also claims hair can be used as a building material, and he has created “hair bricks” to demonstrate its strength.

Quote of the Day: From San Francisco city Supervisor Michael Yaki, commenting on a proposal to sell advertising space over the entrance to the Golden Gate Bridge: “Once you go down that path . . . why not have General Electric sponsor the torch on the Statue of Liberty?”

Alarming Literary Trends: The No. 4, No. 8 and No. 9 bestsellers on the children’s fiction list in Publishers Weekly are, in order, “Captain Underpants and the Invasion of the Incredibly Naughty Cafeteria Ladies From Outer Space,” “Captain Underpants and the Attack of the Talking Toilets” and “The Adventures of Captain Underpants.”

The hero is described as a defender of “truth, justice and all that is preshrunk and cottony.” He also uses “wedgy power” to thwart his nemesis, the evil Dr. Diaper.

Says one character: “Most superheroes look like they’re flying around in their underwear. . . . This guy actually is flying around in his underwear.”

Philosophical Question of the Week: What if the hokeypokey really is what it’s all about?

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Insurance Company Replaces Kidnapped Children With Brand-New Kids!” (Weekly World News)

The policies are “selling like hot cakes because today’s parents are waiting longer to have children and realize that they might be too old to replace them through purely natural means,” according to WWN. They’re also weary of “skyrocketing ransom demands.”

As one couple explained after their missing 2-year-old girl was replaced with “a lovely orphan girl” named Christine: “Losing our daughter was terrible, but we’re delighted with Christine. Our insurance company was so responsive. We got our replacement less than a week after we filed our claim.”

Will deadbeat dad insurance be next?

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Reuters, Brian Bowers, Washington Post, Steve Voldseth. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.