Reducing the Friction at Family Gatherings in the Holiday Season

There is nothing like the holidays to help us remember what irritates us most about family.

The husband who waits until the last minute to shop. The children who poison cherished family time with grumpiness.

The sister-in-law who criticizes, the father who complains, the brother-in-law who argues every topic as if he were in front of the Supreme Court.

This is the time of year when we are emotionally vulnerable, and we are thrown together with people with whom we have long, sometimes conflict-filled, histories.

“The holidays are supposed to bring a lot of cheer,” says Sybil Evans, co-author with Sherry Suib Cohen of “Hot Buttons: How to Resolve Conflict and Cool Everyone Down” (Cliff Street, HarperCollins). “But what we get are impatience, annoyance and rage.”

The fact that the holiday season seems to start just after Halloween increases the pressure on us. The early decorations only serve to remind us that we are going to have to deal with obnoxious Cousin Barry again this year.

“It is only November, and you are worked up,” says Evans.

The emotional eruptions that spoil holiday gatherings are also triggered by the collection of three or four generations under one roof.

“There is tremendous values conflict,” says Evans. “And you can’t negotiate values.”

The result: Everybody gets their hot buttons pushed, and emotions explode.

Evans, who calls herself “The Conflict Coach,” says these hot buttons have familiar labels.

* Minimizing: “It’s not that big a deal.”

* Disparaging: “You are just a kid; what do you know?”

* Denying: “I never said that.”

* Blaming: “You always . . . “

* Comparing: “You are just like your father.”

* Judging: “That’s the silliest idea I ever heard.”

* Preaching: “You really ought to . . . “

* Diagnosing: “I know just what your problem is.”

* Name-calling: “You are being ridiculous.”

* And dictating: “I know better. Do it my way.”

“These are the top 10 hot buttons, and during the holidays they get pushed over and over,” says Evans. “You even know who is going to say what and when.”

Nobody wants a blow-up on Christmas day, so we ignore, ignore, ignore. But those disagreements stay with us and fester--until next Christmas, when they might resurface in ugly, destructive ways.

In her new book, Evans teaches us how to defuse these inevitable emotional moments.

Acknowledge the intentions of the speaker: “I know you mean well.”

Say how we feel. “It hurts me when you make light of my work.”

Or give the speaker a face-saving option: “If you are worried that I am not cooking enough food, Mom, why don’t you bring one of your favorite dishes.”

If we are clever, we can turn the zinger aimed at us back on the speaker and diffuse the situation with humor. But that approach often sounds sarcastic, and that only makes matters worse.

“Most of our communication is in body language and tone of voice,” says Evans. “You need to say it in an open, warm and caring way.”

Evans admits her approach takes a cool head and some skill. But if we know what is coming -- and years of holiday experience tell us what to expect -- we can prepare for it.

“Let’s not expect every encounter to work out fine,” she says. “Sometimes you just need to say, ‘Let’s take a time out. Maybe we can talk about this again later.’ You are not giving up or giving in. You are keeping your dignity and moving on.”