This Column Will Have Him Skating on Thin Ice

Here’s my read on hockey. I look down from the upper press box in Staples Center, and I see a lot of ants running this way and that way across a sheet of ice, I’m eating my free food, and my first inclination is to grab a can of Raid and wipe out this annoyance.

I’ve tried to embrace the sport. I went to a Ducks’ game this year--and how many people can say that--went to the bathroom and missed Anaheim’s only goal. Then I ran into this guy named Pierre, who told me he’s some kind of big-shot Duck, and I laughed at first thinking he was Goofy and maybe this was some kind of new Disney greeting, but this guy was really serious.

I’ve never met a Pierre before, so I don’t know, maybe if you go through life with a name like Pierre you have to be really serious, but it seems funny that a really serious guy would be running a team called the Mighty Ducks.

I didn’t hit it off with the Ducks’ coach either, but he was fired by our hockey writer, and come to think of it, I’ve never met so many grouchy people in one place--I guess, making the Anaheim Pond the grouchiest place on earth.

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NOW YOU MAY have noticed a letter in Saturday’s paper from Stu Nahan, a broadcaster for almost 35 years in this town, retired now with nothing better to do than challenge me to go to a hockey game.

I thought about telling him, “I’d rather go to a women’s basketball game,” but of course that’s not true.

“I never miss a Kings’ game,” said Nahan, which means he won’t have to spend any time in purgatory once he crosses that last great blue line in the sky. “I’m standing and cheering--people around me are screaming and yelling.”

I interrupted. “I think if you sit down, Stu, everybody around you will stop screaming and yelling.”

Stu insists that people yell and scream because they are having fun.

“And you can’t say it’s because everybody’s drunk,” Stu said. “I’ve had three drinks in my life. Had a Black Russian one night because I didn’t stop the puck--yeah, I was a professional goalie for eight years--and the fellas told me later that I tried dancing with one of those cigarette machines that are chained to the wall.”

I’m also guessing the people who sit around Stu are yelling and screaming at him to shut up.

“You know one time I played with a broken leg,” Stu said, and now I was yelling and screaming, but he went on. “Strapped those pads tighter and I just hung in there because we didn’t have a backup. . . .

“Got the chance to play more when the other goalie lost his eye. . . .”

Wish I could have been there.

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IMAGINE SPENDING A night with Stu, trapped at a hockey game.

Before you ask: Yes, Stu is married--to a psychologist, who understands.

“I’ve been on skates since I was 4,” Stu said, and anyone who watched his sports broadcasts over the years knows this is someone who can skate by with the best of them.

“I just love the game,” he said. “I’m sitting there watching, the goalie makes a kick save and my own foot jumps out--just a reflex action.”

That’s something else to look forward to--sitting next to chatty Stu and having him blast me with his foot each time someone shoots. If the whole point of this is that Stu wants to beat up somebody, why not invite Fred Roggin.

“People are fanatic about this game,” Stu said. “Just the other night, Kirk Douglas was there.”

How about any celebrities who are still alive?

“Will you stop?” Stu said. “This is the most exciting sport in the world, and I’m just asking you to try it once--sit close to the ice with me.”

Sorry, I don’t own a parka.

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IT APPEARS Larry Brown might be ready to return to college coaching--if anyone has any ideas.

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THE AVERAGE BASEBALL player is now getting $1,895,630 a year, according to the Major League Baseball Players Assn. Darren Dreifort is obviously an exception.

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USC President Steven Sample didn’t attend the news conference, but says now, “I wasn’t surprised with Mike Garrett’s decision to” hire Pete Carroll.

I don’t think anybody is surprised by anything Garrett does.

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I GOT ALL excited after reading that the Clippers were going to be on national TV Wednesday for the first time in years, and discovered the game was blacked out locally.

I could have gone to the Ducks’ game had I known that.

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NEWSPAPER REPORTS SAY agent Leigh Steinberg’s agency filed an $88,000 claim against the estate of Kansas City’s Derrick Thomas, taking the expression “Show me the money,” to another level.

The New York Times posed a question: Is it “greed” driving the claim.

Steinberg, however, cleared everything up. “I’m totally removed from that,” he told a Kansas City newspaper, explaining he has no idea what his firm’s controller and lawyers do.

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EARLIER THIS SEASON brokers were getting $850 for Redskin tickets--now they are selling two seats together for $15 to the team’s final game.

Jeff George will do that to a team.

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IF CADE MCNOWN and Ryan Leaf were on the same team, who would the fans want as their starting quarterback?

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Gino:

“Your reference to pretending to listen to the wife while being distracted by Melissa Stark on Monday Night Football really hit home.”

It’s like I told the wife--I have no idea how that got into my column.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com.